stepper
07-14-2005, 11:14 PM
That would be cool. We need a new joke "stickied" (sp), everyday. Everybody can post their jokes, etc.
What do you guys think?
What do you guys think?
View Full Version : How about a Joke forum
stepper
07-14-2005, 11:15 PM
One good joke would be the Dallas Cowboys football team last year.........
Dodgeballz
07-14-2005, 11:33 PM
+1 on the joke forum
What do you call 56 people watching the Super Bowl ?
The Dallas Cowboys :)
What do you call 56 people watching the Super Bowl ?
The Dallas Cowboys :)
J.P.
07-15-2005, 12:43 AM
I was all for it until y'all started raggin' on the Dallas Cowboys.
DrBaker
07-15-2005, 05:28 AM
+1 on the joke forum
DrBaker
07-15-2005, 05:29 AM
The $5,000 Loan
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
stepper
07-15-2005, 12:45 PM
The $5,000 Loan
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Thats good. I like that!
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Thats good. I like that!
stepper
07-15-2005, 12:47 PM
I was all for it until y'all started raggin' on the Dallas Cowboys.
By the way J.P., I'm a huge Dallas Cowboys fan. I joke because I care. :kiss:
There hasn't been much to cheer about the last several years. I'm hoping that will change this year.
By the way J.P., I'm a huge Dallas Cowboys fan. I joke because I care. :kiss:
There hasn't been much to cheer about the last several years. I'm hoping that will change this year.
stepper
07-15-2005, 12:48 PM
If we have this forum, somebody has to be in charge of changing the jokes everyday.
I think it would be pretty cool!
I think it would be pretty cool!
DrBaker
07-15-2005, 05:52 PM
If we have this forum, somebody has to be in charge of changing the jokes everyday.
I think it would be pretty cool!
I volunteer to moderate the Joke Forum.
A new funny for every day would be guaranteed for all.
I think it would be pretty cool!
I volunteer to moderate the Joke Forum.
A new funny for every day would be guaranteed for all.
Dodgeballz
07-15-2005, 09:16 PM
DrBaker has my vote.
DrBaker
07-15-2005, 09:28 PM
DrBaker has my vote.
Thank you. I'll have today's joke ready in a few moments. (gotta practice in case I get the job)
Thank you. I'll have today's joke ready in a few moments. (gotta practice in case I get the job)
DrBaker
07-15-2005, 09:30 PM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.
Dodgeballz
07-15-2005, 11:01 PM
I just read this on GT and thought it was funny.
There was this pirate that walked into the bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He ordered a rum and sat around for a while looking very upset. Finally the bartender couldn't take it anymore and asked him what was the deal with the steering wheel. The pirate said "Argggh, I tell ya, it's drivin' me nuts!"
:D
There was this pirate that walked into the bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He ordered a rum and sat around for a while looking very upset. Finally the bartender couldn't take it anymore and asked him what was the deal with the steering wheel. The pirate said "Argggh, I tell ya, it's drivin' me nuts!"
:D
kjones99
07-15-2005, 11:35 PM
anyone remember the one with the "nine inch pianist" punch line??
Dodgeballz
07-15-2005, 11:37 PM
yep, I do
stepper
07-15-2005, 11:40 PM
Ok, we need a joke forum.
We need a joke of the day!
We need a joke of the day!
stepper
07-15-2005, 11:40 PM
Oh, Dr.Baker gets my vote being in charge of the jokes everyday.
DrBaker
07-16-2005, 07:03 AM
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets
himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.
They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips
open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the
first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has
ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and
says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE !"
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets
himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.
They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips
open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the
first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has
ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and
says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE !"
kjones99
07-16-2005, 08:58 AM
bwaaaaaaaahhhhaaaa!
DrBaker
07-16-2005, 09:06 AM
bwaaaaaaaahhhhaaaa!
I assume that means you liked it. I have many more ready. I'm trying to post one a day rather than all 700.
I assume that means you liked it. I have many more ready. I'm trying to post one a day rather than all 700.
kjones99
07-16-2005, 09:08 AM
dang, 700?!? well, that's enough to make you the moderator of a joke forum for at least 2 years!
Dodgeballz
07-16-2005, 12:56 PM
Cmon, give us 2 jokes a day.
DrBaker
07-16-2005, 01:12 PM
Here's some pick up lines. If you got out tonight, try using some of them.
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you
seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wallgreens, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
You; Me; Whipped cream; Handcuffs; Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is DrBaker... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in
them.
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you
seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wallgreens, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
You; Me; Whipped cream; Handcuffs; Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is DrBaker... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in
them.
kjones99
07-16-2005, 01:33 PM
be honest, did any of those work for you?
DrBaker
07-16-2005, 02:40 PM
I've used a few. My favorite is --(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
straight69jack
07-16-2005, 03:22 PM
Man if you guys want jokes, have any of you seen Security Office from GT.
He normaly posts in Cop Talk. Just read a few and your sides will be splitting, and most of the time he is dead serious in his questions.example 1 (http://glocktalk.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=401949)
numer 2 (http://glocktalk.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=384859)
NUMBER(typo)
The list goes on...poor kid
He normaly posts in Cop Talk. Just read a few and your sides will be splitting, and most of the time he is dead serious in his questions.example 1 (http://glocktalk.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=401949)
numer 2 (http://glocktalk.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=384859)
NUMBER(typo)
The list goes on...poor kid
DrBaker
07-17-2005, 01:06 AM
Tips for REDNECKS----
GENERAL
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly
so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOUSE
A center piece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the finger nails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
I know some of you OK Shooters are guility, but you don't have to step forward and embarass yourself.
GENERAL
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly
so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOUSE
A center piece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the finger nails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
I know some of you OK Shooters are guility, but you don't have to step forward and embarass yourself.
straight69jack
07-17-2005, 09:25 AM
Two friends, Sullivan and O'Doule worked together at the Guiness Brewery in Dublin. They hadn't been working there very long when one day, with no warning, O'Doule falls into one of the vats. To make a long story short, Sullivan's lifelong pal drowns.
Sullivan, being O'Doule's best friend, feels obligated to go to the widow O'Doule and break the bad news to her.
He walks to the house and knocks on the door. When the widow O'Doule answered, he bowed his head respectfully and told her what had happened. "I'm sorry to be the one to tell ye," he said, "but I'm afraid Seamus has fallen into one of the vats at work and has drowned. He's off to meet his maker."
"Alas," cried the widow. "The poor man couldn't swim a stroke."
"The hell he couln't," replied Sullivan, "He got out three times to take a pee!"
Sullivan, being O'Doule's best friend, feels obligated to go to the widow O'Doule and break the bad news to her.
He walks to the house and knocks on the door. When the widow O'Doule answered, he bowed his head respectfully and told her what had happened. "I'm sorry to be the one to tell ye," he said, "but I'm afraid Seamus has fallen into one of the vats at work and has drowned. He's off to meet his maker."
"Alas," cried the widow. "The poor man couldn't swim a stroke."
"The hell he couln't," replied Sullivan, "He got out three times to take a pee!"
kjones99
07-17-2005, 10:23 AM
Tips for REDNECKS----
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
I know some of you OK Shooters are guility, but you don't have to step forward and embarass yourself.
guilty as charged..
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
I know some of you OK Shooters are guility, but you don't have to step forward and embarass yourself.
guilty as charged..
DrBaker
07-17-2005, 11:48 AM
guilty as charged..
Come on, admit it, we know you are guilty of more than just one.
Come on, admit it, we know you are guilty of more than just one.
DrBaker
07-18-2005, 07:29 AM
Kyle went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When Kyle sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, Kyle said, Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for.
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........Dammit, Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT !!!
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, Kyle said, Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for.
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........Dammit, Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT !!!
straight69jack
07-18-2005, 11:46 AM
Heres on for DOC
An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
straight69jack
07-18-2005, 11:47 AM
Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
stepper
07-19-2005, 12:17 AM
Good stuff!
stepper
07-19-2005, 12:28 AM
Alright, Dr. I'm going to bed.
I'm expecting a new joke of the day here for me in the morning!
I'm expecting a new joke of the day here for me in the morning!
DrBaker
07-19-2005, 06:38 AM
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
straight69jack
07-19-2005, 10:01 AM
A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk
kjones99
07-19-2005, 08:13 PM
who is Kyle?
Kyle went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When Kyle sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, Kyle said, Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for.
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........Dammit, Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT !!!
Kyle went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When Kyle sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, Kyle said, Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for.
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........Dammit, Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT !!!
DrBaker
07-19-2005, 08:20 PM
It's nothing to be embarassed about.
stepper
07-20-2005, 01:54 AM
haha!!
DrBaker
07-20-2005, 06:44 AM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY ICONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG you - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR.
11. She is not a TWO BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE
PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY ICONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG you - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR.
11. She is not a TWO BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE
PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
straight69jack
07-20-2005, 09:46 AM
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"
His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."
"Oh come on" replies the bartender.
The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".
The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".
The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You A-hole that's just another cigar."
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a #%$@, I must have smoked it!"
His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."
"Oh come on" replies the bartender.
The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".
The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".
The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You A-hole that's just another cigar."
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a #%$@, I must have smoked it!"
DrBaker
07-21-2005, 07:29 AM
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
kjones99
07-21-2005, 07:16 PM
"Understanding Engineers" - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one aid, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit anyway".
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
him."
"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one aid, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit anyway".
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
him."
"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
"Understanding Engineers" - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Dodgeballz
07-22-2005, 11:54 PM
What happened to our joke of the day?
DrBaker
07-23-2005, 12:08 AM
Women's English:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Men's English:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Men's English:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
Dodgeballz
07-23-2005, 12:25 AM
With only 52 minutes to spare....close .
DrBaker
07-23-2005, 12:33 AM
Busy day. I'll get er dun early from now on.
Dodgeballz
07-23-2005, 12:36 AM
You da MAN :thumb:
DrBaker
07-23-2005, 11:16 PM
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
DrBaker
07-24-2005, 09:02 AM
Cindy walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a salesperson doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you're going to sh1t when you hear the price."
straight69jack
07-25-2005, 03:46 PM
Why some Men prefer Guns over Women
10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.
6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a handgun is favoured over a woman
1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.
6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a handgun is favoured over a woman
1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
DrBaker
07-25-2005, 06:08 PM
Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner, Hello said a little girls voice, Hi honey it's daddy, is mummy near the phone,
No daddy she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank, After a brief pause Bob said, but you don't have an Uncle Frank honey Yes I do he's upstairs in the bedroom with mummy, Ok then, here's what I want you to do, put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout into mummy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house, Ok daddy, A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone, well I said what you said daddy, And what happened? Well mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell out the window, now she's dead, Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that you took all the water out last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too,
There was a long pause, then Bob said Swimming pool?
Is this 555-7039?
No daddy she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank, After a brief pause Bob said, but you don't have an Uncle Frank honey Yes I do he's upstairs in the bedroom with mummy, Ok then, here's what I want you to do, put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout into mummy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house, Ok daddy, A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone, well I said what you said daddy, And what happened? Well mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell out the window, now she's dead, Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that you took all the water out last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too,
There was a long pause, then Bob said Swimming pool?
Is this 555-7039?
DrBaker
07-26-2005, 11:05 PM
Computer Breasts
Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :-)
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) Perky breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) Wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts
(p)(p) Hanging Tassels Breasts
\ o /\ o/ Grandma's Breasts
( - )( - ) Against The Shower Door Breasts
| o | | o | Android Breasts
($)($) Martha Stewart's Breasts
Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :-)
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) Perky breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) Wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts
(p)(p) Hanging Tassels Breasts
\ o /\ o/ Grandma's Breasts
( - )( - ) Against The Shower Door Breasts
| o | | o | Android Breasts
($)($) Martha Stewart's Breasts
Dodgeballz
07-27-2005, 07:16 PM
So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says Thats amazing. Where did you get him? Bill says well I got this magic lamp with a genie So the other fellow says thats great, could I use it? Bill says sure and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says I want a million bucks. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks Joe exclaims Hey I asked for 1 million BUCKS not DUCKS Bill explained Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You dont think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?
DrBaker
07-27-2005, 09:39 PM
Human Resource Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
DrBaker
07-28-2005, 09:55 PM
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
stepper
07-30-2005, 06:22 PM
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
:gun1:
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
:gun1:
stepper
07-30-2005, 06:22 PM
Dr.Baker, where is the joke of the day????
Thats ok, I've had to catch up on all the other days I've missed.
Thats ok, I've had to catch up on all the other days I've missed.
DrBaker
07-30-2005, 08:24 PM
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde." The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
stepper
07-30-2005, 09:09 PM
:laughup:
DrBaker
08-02-2005, 10:00 PM
Top 20 ways to tell someone their fly is down
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
kjones99
08-02-2005, 10:37 PM
kinda long but worth it..
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have
to roll my own .......... so does she..
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew
she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have
to roll my own .......... so does she..
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew
she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
straight69jack
08-03-2005, 01:55 PM
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
straight69jack
08-03-2005, 02:00 PM
If Resumes Told the Truth
OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother's wedding *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother's wedding *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
stepper
08-03-2005, 09:04 PM
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
Thats great!
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
Thats great!
straight69jack
08-04-2005, 02:19 AM
Wanna hear a redneck story?
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?"
The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"
The fella says, "Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?"
The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"
The fella says, "Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"
DrBaker
08-19-2005, 10:04 PM
Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."
DrBaker
08-24-2005, 07:35 PM
The Hitman
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
Mack45
08-26-2005, 08:12 PM
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before
she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before
she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
straight69jack
08-27-2005, 12:18 PM
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
straight69jack
08-27-2005, 12:18 PM
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
Mack45
08-27-2005, 03:26 PM
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Mack45
08-28-2005, 07:47 PM
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
kjones99
08-29-2005, 07:23 PM
A DINNER CONVERSATION GONE HORRIBLY WRONG
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not
WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)
WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."
WIFE: ---silence--
HUSBAND" "oh ****"
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not
WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)
WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."
WIFE: ---silence--
HUSBAND" "oh ****"
Mack45
08-29-2005, 07:33 PM
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Mack45
08-31-2005, 08:40 PM
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
stepper
08-31-2005, 11:28 PM
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Thats funny stuff!!!!
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Thats funny stuff!!!!
straight69jack
09-02-2005, 05:30 AM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/latepunch.html
http://www.media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=handsex.wmv
not a joke but it is pretty funny
http://www.media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=handsex.wmv
not a joke but it is pretty funny
straight69jack
09-02-2005, 05:31 AM
Ebaumsworld is one of the best things on the web if you have never been you need to go. FYI
kjones99
09-03-2005, 11:32 AM
An oldie but goodie:
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river."
And with even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all
the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly
laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn No. 365, "Shall We Gather
at the River."
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river."
And with even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all
the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly
laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn No. 365, "Shall We Gather
at the River."
Dodgeballz
09-28-2005, 09:21 PM
yeah....How about a joke forum?
Been kinda dry around here lately.
DrBaker , I thought you were in charge of the jokes.
Been kinda dry around here lately.
DrBaker , I thought you were in charge of the jokes.
DrBaker
09-28-2005, 11:30 PM
yeah....How about a joke forum?
Been kinda dry around here lately.
DrBaker , I thought you were in charge of the jokes.
I gave up on getting a joke forum. There was a comment, but nothing ever happened.
Been kinda dry around here lately.
DrBaker , I thought you were in charge of the jokes.
I gave up on getting a joke forum. There was a comment, but nothing ever happened.
stepper
09-29-2005, 12:26 AM
I was thinking the same thing. I enjoyed coming here for my daily joke.
DrBaker
09-29-2005, 06:40 AM
By popular demand, the daily jokes will be coming back.
DrBaker
09-29-2005, 06:43 AM
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT
WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT
WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
So why is it again that we work ?
WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT
WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
So why is it again that we work ?
RatTerrier
10-02-2005, 08:22 PM
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey, why the long face?"
DrBaker
10-02-2005, 08:47 PM
Stop me if you've heard this one. Three whores walk into a bar. Their names are Rat, Rat, and Rat.
RatTerrier
10-02-2005, 09:06 PM
ugh....why the name calling? Its like this in the snake thread as well...Rat this Rat that...lol
DrBaker
10-02-2005, 09:17 PM
Geewizz. It must be all about you. Hello, what about all the other Rats around here. :smack: :kiss: :nono1:
RatTerrier
10-02-2005, 10:02 PM
I ummmm.....*thinking*.....*searching member list*.......I'm not really seein too many other Rats......so uhhhh........yeah, yeah it is all about me!:thumb:
DrBaker
10-02-2005, 10:12 PM
1ratt
bRATch
ratman-bill
bulbrat
SoonerRatGirl
stepperat
ratrickcudd
walrat6isknight
bRATch
ratman-bill
bulbrat
SoonerRatGirl
stepperat
ratrickcudd
walrat6isknight
Glockender
10-02-2005, 10:23 PM
1ratt
bRATch
ratman-bill
bulbrat
SoonerRatGirl
stepperat
ratrickcudd
walrat6isknight
How about a RatBaker :madbox:
bRATch
ratman-bill
bulbrat
SoonerRatGirl
stepperat
ratrickcudd
walrat6isknight
How about a RatBaker :madbox:
RatTerrier
10-03-2005, 09:45 AM
:finger: lol
Dodgeballz
10-06-2005, 04:27 PM
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but
that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said,
"Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year
I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you,
but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds
of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you
didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna
fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but
that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said,
"Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year
I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you,
but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds
of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you
didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna
fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
RatTerrier
10-06-2005, 05:26 PM
:rollingla:rollingla:rollingla
DrBaker
10-26-2005, 11:31 AM
Ten Top Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.
stepper
11-01-2005, 03:53 PM
Whats the best way to get an osu graduate off your front porch?
Pay them for the pizza.
Pay them for the pizza.
stepper
11-01-2005, 03:53 PM
Dr. Baker, where are you? Thats the best I've got.........
DrBaker
11-01-2005, 06:22 PM
Dr. Baker, where are you? Thats the best I've got.........
I thought it was funny. I ran around repeating it earlier today.
I thought it was funny. I ran around repeating it earlier today.
stepper
11-02-2005, 12:35 AM
I thought it was funny. I ran around repeating it earlier today.
I need a good joke today. You guys have been slacking off.
I need a good joke today. You guys have been slacking off.
DrBaker
11-02-2005, 08:22 AM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly".
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly".
chevysn1911s
11-02-2005, 05:17 PM
Roflmao
Mack45
11-05-2005, 10:11 AM
Smart ass answers #1
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
kjones99
11-05-2005, 10:52 PM
think before you speak....
Subject: The Father of One of Her Children
A guy was in the line at the supermarket, when he noticed a beautiful blond woman smiling and waving at him.
So he says, "Do I know you?"
She replies. "I may be mistaken, but I think you may be the father of one of my children."
Instantly his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on Joe's pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend spanked me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber in my butt?"
"No" she replies slowly while turning red. "I'm your daughter's second grade teacher."
Subject: The Father of One of Her Children
A guy was in the line at the supermarket, when he noticed a beautiful blond woman smiling and waving at him.
So he says, "Do I know you?"
She replies. "I may be mistaken, but I think you may be the father of one of my children."
Instantly his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on Joe's pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend spanked me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber in my butt?"
"No" she replies slowly while turning red. "I'm your daughter's second grade teacher."
DrBaker
11-07-2005, 06:52 PM
Two fellas from rural Minnesota walked into a pet shop in Minneapolis. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the
100-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART TWO:
Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART THREE:
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head.....
"First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.... den Knut
parrotshooting.... and now Lars is hengliding!"
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the
100-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART TWO:
Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART THREE:
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head.....
"First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.... den Knut
parrotshooting.... and now Lars is hengliding!"
Mack45
11-07-2005, 07:13 PM
Smart-ass Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
they're dead."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
they're dead."
Mack45
11-07-2005, 07:22 PM
Redneck Couple
A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for
their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room,
saying, "This is a very special 'casion. It's our weddin' night and we
need your BEST room with a strong bed."
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?"
the redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied, "No, I
reckon not. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets used to it."
A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for
their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room,
saying, "This is a very special 'casion. It's our weddin' night and we
need your BEST room with a strong bed."
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?"
the redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied, "No, I
reckon not. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets used to it."
DrBaker
11-09-2005, 01:07 PM
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
DrBaker
11-15-2005, 09:58 PM
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
stepper
11-15-2005, 10:26 PM
Ouch!
Mack45
11-16-2005, 06:22 PM
Smart-ass Answer #3
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket, not your stub."
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Dodgeballz
11-18-2005, 10:11 AM
Whats the best way to catch a rabbit?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Hide in the bushes and make carrot noises
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Hide in the bushes and make carrot noises
Dodgeballz
11-18-2005, 10:13 AM
You know you are a real Redneck when you use WD-40 rather than K-Y Jelly
Dodgeballz
11-18-2005, 10:15 AM
Here's my kids
stepper
11-18-2005, 10:36 AM
Here's my kids
:laughup:
:laughup:
stepper
11-21-2005, 02:46 PM
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
stepper
11-21-2005, 02:55 PM
Why Dogs Are Better Than Wives
Dogs don't cry.
*
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
*
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
*
Dogs think you sing great.
*
A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
*
Dogs don't expect you to call them when you're running late.
*
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
*
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
*
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.
*
Dogs are excited by rough play.
*
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
*
Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.
*
Anyone can get a good looking dog.
*
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
*
Dogs don't shop.
*
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
*
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
*
A dog's parents never come to visit.
*
Dogs love long car trips.
*
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
*
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
*
No dog ever bought a Kenny G. album.
*
No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.
*
Dogs never criticize.
*
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
*
Dogs never expect gifts.
*
Dogs don't worry about germs.
*
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to your wallet, desk or sock drawer.
*
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their life.
*
Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger than a lobster dinner.
*
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready 24 hours a day.
*
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
*
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
*
Dogs never want a foot rub.
*
Dogs can't talk.
*
Dogs aren't catty.
*
Dogs seldom outlive you.
Dogs don't cry.
*
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
*
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
*
Dogs think you sing great.
*
A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
*
Dogs don't expect you to call them when you're running late.
*
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
*
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
*
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.
*
Dogs are excited by rough play.
*
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
*
Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.
*
Anyone can get a good looking dog.
*
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
*
Dogs don't shop.
*
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
*
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
*
A dog's parents never come to visit.
*
Dogs love long car trips.
*
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
*
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
*
No dog ever bought a Kenny G. album.
*
No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.
*
Dogs never criticize.
*
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
*
Dogs never expect gifts.
*
Dogs don't worry about germs.
*
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to your wallet, desk or sock drawer.
*
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their life.
*
Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger than a lobster dinner.
*
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready 24 hours a day.
*
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
*
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
*
Dogs never want a foot rub.
*
Dogs can't talk.
*
Dogs aren't catty.
*
Dogs seldom outlive you.
Mack45
11-23-2005, 08:17 PM
A man walked into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sat at the bar, and ordered a beer. While he was drinking his beer, the monkey climbed down from his shoulder, and walked along the bar. Spying a bowl of olives, the monkey ate all of them. Then, he walked down the other end of the the bar, and found a bowl of snack crackers, which he ate as well. after that, he jumped from the bar to the pool table, where he ate the Q ball. That upset the bartender to no end. " You and that monkey have to go!" said the bartender. "Wait" said the man; "that monkey may eat everything in sight, but he is a good friend to me, and I am willing to cover the damages." He pulled out two $100.00 bills, and said "That should cover the beer and the damages." The bartender was happy, and the man left.
The next week the man and monkey came back. The man ordered a beer, and while he was drinking his beer, the monkey made his walk. First he found a cherry. He stuck it up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it. Next he found a peanut, which he did the same thing. The bartender said" What is the story with that stupid monkey this week?" The man said," He still eats everything in sight, But after passing that Q ball last week, he test fits everything before he swallows it!!"
The next week the man and monkey came back. The man ordered a beer, and while he was drinking his beer, the monkey made his walk. First he found a cherry. He stuck it up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it. Next he found a peanut, which he did the same thing. The bartender said" What is the story with that stupid monkey this week?" The man said," He still eats everything in sight, But after passing that Q ball last week, he test fits everything before he swallows it!!"
Dodgeballz
11-28-2005, 10:48 AM
Policemen are not all perfect, but this cop comes close to winning the ingenuity award.
What would you have done?
A driver did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk even though he
could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The
tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on her horn and
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to drive through the
intersection with him. Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window
and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police
station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed
in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and
opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm awfully
sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a
blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the
"What Would Jesus Do?" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper
sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
What would you have done?
A driver did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk even though he
could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The
tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on her horn and
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to drive through the
intersection with him. Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window
and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police
station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed
in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and
opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm awfully
sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a
blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the
"What Would Jesus Do?" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper
sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
stepper
11-28-2005, 12:10 PM
:gun1:
stepper
11-30-2005, 05:15 PM
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
stepper
11-30-2005, 05:26 PM
Three doctors are returning from a conference when a truck crosses
the median and hits their limo. All of a sudden they are face to face with
St. Peter.
He looks at the doctors and says "Tell me why I should let you into Heaven.
" The first doctor says "I won the Nobel Prize in Medicine."
"OK!" says St. Peter, "Welcome to Heaven."
The second doctor looks worried and says "I never won any prize; but
I devoted my career to a free clinic where people could get treatment
at no cost."
St. Peter smiles and holds open the Pearly Gates for doctor number two.
The third doctor smiles and says "I am responsible for setting up HMO's
throughout the United States."
St. Peter looks this man in the eye and says "You may enter Heaven as
well, but you can only stay 3 days."
the median and hits their limo. All of a sudden they are face to face with
St. Peter.
He looks at the doctors and says "Tell me why I should let you into Heaven.
" The first doctor says "I won the Nobel Prize in Medicine."
"OK!" says St. Peter, "Welcome to Heaven."
The second doctor looks worried and says "I never won any prize; but
I devoted my career to a free clinic where people could get treatment
at no cost."
St. Peter smiles and holds open the Pearly Gates for doctor number two.
The third doctor smiles and says "I am responsible for setting up HMO's
throughout the United States."
St. Peter looks this man in the eye and says "You may enter Heaven as
well, but you can only stay 3 days."
stepper
12-01-2005, 11:50 AM
Marriage means that someone helps you coping with all the problems you never had when you were a bachelor.
aod93gt
12-06-2005, 11:23 PM
Why do people point at their wrist when asking the time? I don't point at my crotch when I ask where the restroom is?
mudpup
12-12-2005, 10:12 PM
LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first
because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I
like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is
smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch,
mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to
shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on
trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak
on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys
that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you
get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on
"route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
"route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice
but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around
and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and
Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know
why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and
it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to
do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first
because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I
like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is
smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch,
mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to
shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on
trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak
on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys
that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you
get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on
"route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
"route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice
but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around
and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and
Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know
why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and
it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to
do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
c10bonanza
12-13-2005, 12:34 AM
A man walked into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sat at the bar, and ordered a beer. While he was drinking his beer, the monkey climbed down from his shoulder, and walked along the bar. Spying a bowl of olives, the monkey ate all of them. Then, he walked down the other end of the the bar, and found a bowl of snack crackers, which he ate as well. after that, he jumped from the bar to the pool table, where he ate the Q ball. That upset the bartender to no end. " You and that monkey have to go!" said the bartender. "Wait" said the man; "that monkey may eat everything in sight, but he is a good friend to me, and I am willing to cover the damages." He pulled out two $100.00 bills, and said "That should cover the beer and the damages." The bartender was happy, and the man left.
The next week the man and monkey came back. The man ordered a beer, and while he was drinking his beer, the monkey made his walk. First he found a cherry. He stuck it up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it. Next he found a peanut, which he did the same thing. The bartender said" What is the story with that stupid monkey this week?" The man said," He still eats everything in sight, But after passing that Q ball last week, he test fits everything before he swallows it!!"
:laughup: :laughup: :laughup: :laughup: :laughup: :laughup: :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla
The next week the man and monkey came back. The man ordered a beer, and while he was drinking his beer, the monkey made his walk. First he found a cherry. He stuck it up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it. Next he found a peanut, which he did the same thing. The bartender said" What is the story with that stupid monkey this week?" The man said," He still eats everything in sight, But after passing that Q ball last week, he test fits everything before he swallows it!!"
:laughup: :laughup: :laughup: :laughup: :laughup: :laughup: :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla
stepper
12-13-2005, 02:21 AM
LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first
because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I
like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is
smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch,
mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to
shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on
trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak
on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys
that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you
get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on
"route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
"route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice
but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around
and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and
Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know
why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and
it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to
do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
Haha, thats funny. Reminds me of the Beverly Hillbillies.
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first
because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I
like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is
smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch,
mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to
shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on
trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak
on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys
that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you
get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on
"route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
"route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice
but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around
and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and
Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know
why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and
it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to
do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
Haha, thats funny. Reminds me of the Beverly Hillbillies.
Dodgeballz
12-24-2005, 11:43 PM
I thought this was funny. (turn the volume up )
http://www.jingleshells.com/flash_content/flash_content.html
http://www.jingleshells.com/flash_content/flash_content.html
walpur6isknight
12-27-2005, 01:36 AM
*Edited by Moderator*
I edited the link in this post because,while funny,there was at least one part that was probably unsuitable for family viewing.
Let's please try to keep these things in mind,folks.
J.P.
I edited the link in this post because,while funny,there was at least one part that was probably unsuitable for family viewing.
Let's please try to keep these things in mind,folks.
J.P.
archer7
01-12-2006, 11:47 AM
Top 10 reasons handguns are better than women
10 You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
9 You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8 If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4 Handguns function normally every day of the month.
3 A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
10 You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
9 You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8 If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4 Handguns function normally every day of the month.
3 A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
kjones99
01-16-2006, 05:47 PM
Dear Friends and Relatives:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise
$5,000,000 for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him
on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more
faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington, D. C.
Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.
It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who
never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since
Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he
got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had
been, and did it all on someone else's money.
If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes,
we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Thank you,
Bill Clinton Monument Committee
P.S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.
Another thing...
Now let me get this straight...Bill Clinton is getting $12 Million for his
memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for
memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified, under
oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise
$5,000,000 for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him
on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more
faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington, D. C.
Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.
It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who
never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since
Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he
got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had
been, and did it all on someone else's money.
If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes,
we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Thank you,
Bill Clinton Monument Committee
P.S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.
Another thing...
Now let me get this straight...Bill Clinton is getting $12 Million for his
memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for
memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified, under
oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
archer7
01-17-2006, 10:37 AM
22 Chuck Norris Facts
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
DrBaker
01-17-2006, 07:42 PM
I'd say it's pretty accurate, but I'm calling BS on 20.
kjones99
01-31-2006, 10:00 AM
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman, mechanic, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
bulbboy
01-31-2006, 12:37 PM
:spitlaugh :spitlaugh :spitlaugh :spitlaugh :spitlaugh :spitlaugh :spitlaugh :igetit: :igetit: :igetit: :yelclap: :yelclap: :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :laughup: :laughup: :laughup: :laughup:
stepper
02-01-2006, 01:54 AM
:spitlaugh :spitlaugh :spitlaugh :spitlaugh :spitlaugh
:rollingla :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla
:rollingla :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla :rollingla
anthony.white
02-03-2006, 01:11 PM
Why are wedding dresses white?.....................................
So your new dishwasher will match the refridgerator and stove!
So your new dishwasher will match the refridgerator and stove!
38Super
02-03-2006, 04:08 PM
Funny, but you are obviously not married.
anthony.white
02-03-2006, 07:16 PM
married for six years.
Hoov
02-17-2006, 09:45 AM
If you guys don't keep up with the joke d'jour, I am going to instigate Bad Joke Tuesday. You will be sorry!
rlt7272
02-17-2006, 10:27 AM
Ok heard this on the radio
Sex positions for married couples
Doggy Style -- where the man sits on the edge of the bed and begs for it and the woman rolls over and plays dead.
I know its bad, but its the only clean one I could thing of.
Sex positions for married couples
Doggy Style -- where the man sits on the edge of the bed and begs for it and the woman rolls over and plays dead.
I know its bad, but its the only clean one I could thing of.
Hoov
02-17-2006, 10:43 AM
When should a woman be over a man? When she vacuums upstairs. I'm warning you, they will get worse!
Hoov
02-17-2006, 10:45 AM
Why didn't G-Unit ride the bus? They didn't have 50 Cent! I told you.
Hoov
02-17-2006, 10:49 AM
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella? Fothadrizzle. Stop! Oh, please stop! Think of the children.
stepper
02-17-2006, 05:48 PM
OK, ok, I've got one:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
(now thats original!)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
(now thats original!)
DrBaker
02-17-2006, 06:03 PM
An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"
Her husband leans over to her and replies, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Her husband leans over to her and replies, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."
stepper
02-17-2006, 07:16 PM
:fart:
Hoov
02-20-2006, 09:10 AM
Little Johnny goes to church one Sunday. As he walks in, he sees a plaque with a long list of names. He thinks about it all during the service. Finally, church is over and as Johnny's parents are talking with the preacher, it gets the best of him. "Preacher, preacher why are all those names on the wall?" The preacher replies; "Well, Johnny, those are the names of all those who died in service." Johnny is somber for a moment, and then asks; "Was it the 9:30 or the 10:30?"
bulbboy
02-20-2006, 03:44 PM
An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"
Her husband leans over to her and replies, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."
:thumb:
Her husband leans over to her and replies, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."
:thumb:
walpur6isknight
02-20-2006, 09:44 PM
"why is it, they never found Biggie and Tupac's killers, and they arrested O.J. the next day. Nicole Simpson can't rap, I WANT JUSTICE!!!"
DrBaker
02-20-2006, 09:48 PM
"why is it, they never found Biggie and Tupac's killers, and they arrested O.J. the next day. Nicole Simpson can't rap, I WANT JUSTICE!!!"
Tupac's not dead....duh.
Tupac's not dead....duh.
walpur6isknight
02-20-2006, 10:05 PM
Word?
Eagle
02-22-2006, 10:45 AM
An Oklahoma State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-35. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?
The driver replied, "Bout whut?
GMThunder
03-10-2006, 12:51 PM
For all you Brokeback Mountain fans..
>>A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
>>He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
>>
>>Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
>>and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
>>
>>"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
>>
>>"They're mating," her father replied.
>>
>>"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy" she asked.
>>
>>"That's a Daddy Long legs," her father answered.
>>
>>"So, the other one is Mommy Long legs?" the little girl asked. "No," her
>>father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long legs."
>>
>> The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them
>>flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California, and Massachusetts, but
>>we're not having any of that s**t in Oklahoma."
>>A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
>>He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
>>
>>Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
>>and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
>>
>>"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
>>
>>"They're mating," her father replied.
>>
>>"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy" she asked.
>>
>>"That's a Daddy Long legs," her father answered.
>>
>>"So, the other one is Mommy Long legs?" the little girl asked. "No," her
>>father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long legs."
>>
>> The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them
>>flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California, and Massachusetts, but
>>we're not having any of that s**t in Oklahoma."
kgull85
03-10-2006, 11:12 PM
A man moves to a new rural town and on his first day there the farmer who lives next door comes over and says "I just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood and invite you to a party at my place this Friday. I have to warn you though it's going to be pretty wild.....there's going to be a lot of drink'n, fight'n, and f***'n" to which the first guy says "That sounds like a lot of fun, are there going to be a lot of people there?" and the farmer replies "Nope......just gonna be you and me".
pete156
03-14-2006, 11:29 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
""I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little sh!t on your knee.
""I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little sh!t on your knee.
pete156
03-14-2006, 11:29 AM
Aggie Joke
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave............."
"Dave................."
"Dave..................."
You're a Veterinarian."
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave............."
"Dave................."
"Dave..................."
You're a Veterinarian."
murrayco glock
03-14-2006, 04:39 PM
a pirate walk into a bar with a steering wheel hangin from his pecker and orders a rum. the bartender gives a inquisitive look but fills his order. the pirate slams the rum and immediately orders another. the bartender can't help it this time and asks "uh, excuse me sir, i'll give you another rum, but you got to tell me, whats with the steering wheel?" the pirate looks up from the bar and says "ARR!" (in a pirate voice) "it drives me nuts."
pete156
03-15-2006, 11:32 AM
Winnie the WHO ????
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to
the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always
reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to
visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People'
words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big
People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done? "I read a book,"
he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said "What book did you read?"
[I love this]
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH!T."
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to
the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always
reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to
visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People'
words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big
People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done? "I read a book,"
he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said "What book did you read?"
[I love this]
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH!T."
pete156
03-15-2006, 11:35 AM
Hard to please
Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really
wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a
single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the
evening when she got home from work.
So, being the handy sort of guy that I was,
I made her a riding lawnmower.
I guess I thought she would squeal with delight
and give me a big hug.
To this day I have never been able to understand
why women are so hard to please.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/RidingLawnmower.jpg
Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really
wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a
single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the
evening when she got home from work.
So, being the handy sort of guy that I was,
I made her a riding lawnmower.
I guess I thought she would squeal with delight
and give me a big hug.
To this day I have never been able to understand
why women are so hard to please.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/RidingLawnmower.jpg
pete156
03-15-2006, 11:41 AM
New State Quarters:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/Vegas.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/Kansas.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/Arkansas.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/Wisconson.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/Wyoming.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/Vegas.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/Kansas.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/Arkansas.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/Wisconson.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/Wyoming.jpg
savedbygrace
03-28-2006, 11:50 AM
Ok wife is in the kitchen cooking eggs when her husband comes in. She said make love to me right now like a good husband he jumps to it. Afterword he asks feeling a little horny this morning hun to which she replied no the egg timer is broken!
stepper
03-29-2006, 12:15 PM
Hard to please
Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really
wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a
single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the
evening when she got home from work.
So, being the handy sort of guy that I was,
I made her a riding lawnmower.
I guess I thought she would squeal with delight
and give me a big hug.
To this day I have never been able to understand
why women are so hard to please.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/RidingLawnmower.jpg
Now what kind of woman wouldn't appreciate that?? :nutkick:
Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really
wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a
single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the
evening when she got home from work.
So, being the handy sort of guy that I was,
I made her a riding lawnmower.
I guess I thought she would squeal with delight
and give me a big hug.
To this day I have never been able to understand
why women are so hard to please.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v137/pete156/OK%20Shooters/RidingLawnmower.jpg
Now what kind of woman wouldn't appreciate that?? :nutkick:
mudpup
04-28-2006, 10:19 AM
Subject: Dogs & Phones
An Iowa farm wife called the local phone company to report her* telephone
failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when
it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in
his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the
telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone
repairman found:
1.*** The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via steel
chain and collar.
2.*** The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3.*** The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.
4.*** After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate.
5.*** The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.
..............
This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
An Iowa farm wife called the local phone company to report her* telephone
failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when
it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in
his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the
telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone
repairman found:
1.*** The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via steel
chain and collar.
2.*** The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3.*** The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.
4.*** After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate.
5.*** The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.
..............
This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Soulman
03-04-2007, 05:43 PM
Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner, Hello said a little girls voice, Hi honey it's daddy, is mummy near the phone,
No daddy she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank, After a brief pause Bob said, but you don't have an Uncle Frank honey Yes I do he's upstairs in the bedroom with mummy, Ok then, here's what I want you to do, put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout into mummy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house, Ok daddy, A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone, well I said what you said daddy, And what happened? Well mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell out the window, now she's dead, Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that you took all the water out last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too,
There was a long pause, then Bob said Swimming pool?
Is this 555-7039?
nice, ditto
No daddy she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank, After a brief pause Bob said, but you don't have an Uncle Frank honey Yes I do he's upstairs in the bedroom with mummy, Ok then, here's what I want you to do, put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout into mummy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house, Ok daddy, A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone, well I said what you said daddy, And what happened? Well mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell out the window, now she's dead, Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that you took all the water out last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too,
There was a long pause, then Bob said Swimming pool?
Is this 555-7039?
nice, ditto
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