Very tough life is hard to understand some times good people here should and are supposed to help and lean on each other! im not a good writer or story teller so ill not try.mom was young when the Doc told her she was an alcoholic she never went back not once died at 57 of cancer it was horrible. And a couple friends from school killed their self. Just help people when you can the tough ones to crack sometimes need a friend also.
My old boss was having problems related to lingering effects of his cancer treatment, and a doctor decided that he was depressed and put him on a drug. He said he started not exactly planning his own death, but while driving down the highway he'd find himself wondering how fast he'd have to hit the bridge abutment to end it all, and things like that. When he asked his oncologist about that, she got him off the drug immediately--he said she told him if you're not actually depressed, that drug will make you depressed, sometimes suicidally so.
I'm not saying that's what happened here, but it makes you wonder how many times a misdiagnosis like that led to a suicide that otherwise wouldn't have happened...
When my wife and I were still dating, I was home by myself working through a slump. These slumps have no obvious or logical trigger and have been a part of my life since I hit puberty. My love for building stuff that goes fast was born as a coping mechanism for my bouts of depression. I found that isolating with something to work on kept me being productive and from being toxic to those around me. Anyway, I decided to take all of my thoughts and write them down in the moment so I could ponder back through them once I was on the other side. I ended up sharing it with her so she could make an educated decision on whether to stick around or not. That was 3-4 years ago. Anyways, it is the best I have ever been able to put what goes on in my head into words, so here it goes.
"Depression runs in my family and I have struggled with it for the past 20+ years. Im typically a pretty logic driven person and can acknowledge when I fall off in the pit. Sometimes it happens a couple of times a year only lasting for a day or two and sometimes it happens several times a month and can last more than a week.
The crappy part is that your mind works against you and truly feels like an outside force beating you down. It tells you how much you take from the people around you and how you offer nothing to them in return. It's your mind so it knows all the soft spots to attack and eventually tries to convince you that you are weak and a coward for not being able to remove yourself from the lives of the people you love so they can be happy and not worry about you anymore. Even if you know and acknowledge this is all nonsense and just depression, having these types of comments on your mind whether you are awake or asleep, busy or bored, happy or frustrated, for days on end gets exhausting and eventually starts to seem more true.
It's a rough cycle that can be entirely unpredictable in nature. It's hard for anyone around you to understand it so it's difficult to discuss at all. It makes you feel alone and unworthy of help from the people who would love nothing more than to help you make it go away.
I've tried all kinds of psychotropics and agree the side effects suck and non seemed to be entirely effective. They would help take the edge, off, but the doubt still lingers. So far I have been better off just trying to ignore it and stick to the things that would normally make me happy until it subsides. Occasionally I have to isolate myself for a day or two and get lost in my own thoughts until it passes.
In the end, it's a miserable affliction for myself and the people that care about me. My heart breaks every time I hear of someone taking their own life because I know how down I've been and still not had it bad enough to take my own life. I also feel for the people they leave behind because they probably can't help but feel like they should've done more, even though that's not how this disease works."
Anyway, sorry for the wall of text. My last bout lasted 4 days and finally ended last Friday. It could be month's before I experience it again, or it could be when I wake up in the morning. It is tough, but I think I have found my methods for coping without being self destructive. I know that anyone that struggles with depression has more offers than they can count to listen, help, whatever, but just know that I would rather remind you a thousand times over than you ever feel like you have no one. It doesn't matter if we have never met in person before, I get it and I am here if needed.
"Depression runs in my family and I have struggled with it for the past 20+ years. Im typically a pretty logic driven person and can acknowledge when I fall off in the pit. Sometimes it happens a couple of times a year only lasting for a day or two and sometimes it happens several times a month and can last more than a week.
The crappy part is that your mind works against you and truly feels like an outside force beating you down. It tells you how much you take from the people around you and how you offer nothing to them in return. It's your mind so it knows all the soft spots to attack and eventually tries to convince you that you are weak and a coward for not being able to remove yourself from the lives of the people you love so they can be happy and not worry about you anymore. Even if you know and acknowledge this is all nonsense and just depression, having these types of comments on your mind whether you are awake or asleep, busy or bored, happy or frustrated, for days on end gets exhausting and eventually starts to seem more true.
It's a rough cycle that can be entirely unpredictable in nature. It's hard for anyone around you to understand it so it's difficult to discuss at all. It makes you feel alone and unworthy of help from the people who would love nothing more than to help you make it go away.
I've tried all kinds of psychotropics and agree the side effects suck and non seemed to be entirely effective. They would help take the edge, off, but the doubt still lingers. So far I have been better off just trying to ignore it and stick to the things that would normally make me happy until it subsides. Occasionally I have to isolate myself for a day or two and get lost in my own thoughts until it passes.
In the end, it's a miserable affliction for myself and the people that care about me. My heart breaks every time I hear of someone taking their own life because I know how down I've been and still not had it bad enough to take my own life. I also feel for the people they leave behind because they probably can't help but feel like they should've done more, even though that's not how this disease works."
Anyway, sorry for the wall of text. My last bout lasted 4 days and finally ended last Friday. It could be month's before I experience it again, or it could be when I wake up in the morning. It is tough, but I think I have found my methods for coping without being self destructive. I know that anyone that struggles with depression has more offers than they can count to listen, help, whatever, but just know that I would rather remind you a thousand times over than you ever feel like you have no one. It doesn't matter if we have never met in person before, I get it and I am here if needed.
That feeling isn't as uncommon as you would think and not necessarily an indicator of depression. It could also be "the call of the void". I think it randomly whether I am feeling depressed or not and the cause varies. Sometimes it is jumping off the Grand Canyon, sometimes it is just not following the curve in the road.
Call of the Void
I have thought about it a time or two myself. Just turn out the pilot lights on my gas stove and turn the burners on. No muss, no fuss for my family. But then my stubborn streak kicks in and I refuse to give in. I am to damn ornery to go without a fight.
As a former badge wearer I have seen my share of the aftermath of suicides and lousy attempts at suicides. One man missed with his shotgun and lived another 30 days. That is all I'm saying. Please folks, think of your loved ones before doing this. Seek out counseling or even a friend. My cousin called me last week asking what he should do to help out his best friend with his son's suicide. I told him just be there for him and help out with the logistics only if they want you to.
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I'm pretty sure that's what saved me. Just to stubborn to give in.
In his case, the thoughts were out of the ordinary and they stopped when he quit taking the drug. The problem he was trying to get addressed was a physiological issue caused by his cancer treatment, not the misdiagnosed depression, at least according to his oncologist.
