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Annie

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My daughter was 22. she had just graduated college in May 2017. We lost her July 10, 2017. It was sensless and heatbreaking. I had never felt like a failure as a parent until that day. She is one of 4 kiddos ranging from 24 to 17. I am still dealing with feelings of being an inadequate parent, but I know it will get better some day.

You are not inadequate as a parent. And she didn't love you or the rest of the family less than you loved her. To her she was setting you guys free from a burden she imagined that she created for you. I can tell you, without any hesitation and absolutely no doubt whatsoever, that it breaks her heart that you feel that way. Don't let her look down from heaven and see that pain. Remember how much she loved you and how much she still loves you. I know it is not easy and I would never attempt to minimize the pain you feel. Just know that that I know, from experience, that her last thought was of you guys and how much she loved you all. I pray you find some of peace in your memories of better times with her.
 

dennishoddy

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You are not inadequate as a parent. And she didn't love you or the rest of the family less than you loved her. To her she was setting you guys free from a burden she imagined that she created for you. I can tell you, without any hesitation and absolutely no doubt whatsoever, that it breaks her heart that you feel that way. Don't let her look down from heaven and see that pain. Remember how much she loved you and how much she still loves you. I know it is not easy and I would never attempt to minimize the pain you feel. Just know that that I know, from experience, that her last thought was of you guys and how much she loved you all. I pray you find some of peace in your memories of better times with her.
:clap3:
 

aviator41

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You are not inadequate as a parent. And she didn't love you or the rest of the family less than you loved her. To her she was setting you guys free from a burden she imagined that she created for you. I can tell you, without any hesitation and absolutely no doubt whatsoever, that it breaks her heart that you feel that way. Don't let her look down from heaven and see that pain. Remember how much she loved you and how much she still loves you. I know it is not easy and I would never attempt to minimize the pain you feel. Just know that that I know, from experience, that her last thought was of you guys and how much she loved you all. I pray you find some of peace in your memories of better times with her.

thank you Annie. We are all working towards a new normal. Things are certainly getting better. I am thankful that it didn't happen in my home or with one of my firearms. For a while, that was the only positive I could find.

I will say this: I am a member of the cowboy shooters at the OKCGC. those fine folks went from friends to family once they found out what happened. I had more shooters checking up, bringing dinner, helping around the house and just generally being here and supportive. they came out of the woodwork. I had folks reloading ammo for me so I could come shoot! They even had a benefit shoot to help us cover funeral and memorial costs. Incredible doesn't even come close to describing my cowboy family. It may be a "cheesy" gun competition discipline, those folks are simply amazing.
 

OKCHunter

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I was gonna let it go but given aviator's post I feel like I should explain something to you guys who think suicide is a selfish action. I have never been a suicidal person. I was the person who always figured tomorrow would be better, whether than was actually the case or not. Like you I'm an eternal optimist.

Several years I had a bad reaction to some medication the doctor put me on. One of the side effects was suicidal ideation.

I spent the better part of several weeks researching how to kill myself because I was absolutely completely convinced that everyone I cared about would be better off if I was gone. Thankfully, the old man picked up on me being "off" and after I stopped taking the medication I was back to my old self.

But let me stress I was completely convinced those I loved would be so much better off if they didn't have the burden of having me around. Everyone I have ever spoken to who has also felt like ending their life said the same thing -- that they felt they would be doing those they cared most about a favor and their family and friends would be better if they were gone.

And at the time it made perfect sense to me. My heart absolutely breaks for anyone who has ever felt that way -- or who has lost a loved one to suicide. It's not something you can make sense of. Because at the time, for the person contemplating it, it seems like the most logical thing in the world.

Thank you for sharing that information; it shows what I don’t know.
 

Annie

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Thank you for sharing that information; it shows what I don’t know.

No worries, man. I didn't know either. I still look back on that time and try to figure out my thought process back then. It just seemed to make so much sense at the time. Every time I hear of someone losing their battle with those demons I feel a little guilty that I got off scot-free. For me it was as simple as not taking a pill anymore. So many people can't escape those voices no matter how hard they try. And they do try. I believe that with all my heart. But for the grace of God ...
 

TerryMiller

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Thankfully, I can't speak to the issues of hopelessness and thoughts of suicide. Nor can I speak to the horrendous thought of one losing their children in some way. After all, we are ingrained that we will be the first to go.

However, please allow me to address anyone that feels that they were inadequate parents or a parent that was too busy to be able to spend more time with their kids.

My oldest son once made the comment to me that I never showed affection for my wife, so he always made it a point to try to be there for his wife and kids and express his love in some way. That is a good thing and because he and his wife are good parents, I never said anything. This last time that we were back in OKC for a visit, he took me aside to talk to me. He was choking up in trying to say what he wanted, so I just put my arm around him. He finally got it out and we hugged.

What he did was a sort of apology by saying that NOW as a parent, he realizes how many sacrifices I made so that our family could have what was needed. Thus, I encourage each of you that may have negative feelings about yourselves as a parent to keep in mind that it may take a while before your family really understands.

Incidentally, my oldest son is now about one month away from turning 48 years old. Oh, and my wife and I have been married just over 49 years, so I think that demonstrates that I do love his mother.
 

druryj

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Suicide may be the ultimate expression of depression. I have never been there, but studied it a bit in grad school. One of the best books I’ve ever read on the horrors of depression is by Pulitzer Prize winning author William Styron, called “Darkness Visible”. A short book, but an intense and personal look inside the mind of a person in this state. If you choose to read about this man’s experience with the illness, be prepared for a hell of a thought provoking look at “the diary of a Madman” as Styron terms it. I must have read this book half a dozen times over the course of the last 25 years or so. It’s a powerfully written and first hand story of a true survivor.


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