dealing with hatred

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saddlebum

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so I have always tried to be a good person,help people when I can ,nice to everyone etc. but I have always had this side of me that if you do me wrong I'll hold a grudge forever ,I never forget

This brings me to my wife's family, in the early years of our marriage I did any thing I could to help them,loaned money that never got paid back. fixed numerous heat and air system never asking to be paid and buying parts out of my pocket,the only one that ever help me or acted like he appreciated what I did was her father who passed away last year.

anyway along the way I heard from others that they didn't like me ,thought I was an ******* etc.etc. so I straight up confronted them one thanksgiving and they admitted to it.from that day forward I've had nothing to do with any of them except the now deceased father inlaw. they would call my wife and ask if I could work on the ac's and I always say no. my wife goes to all their family functions with out me. and that has seem to work until now.

now the mother inlaw is very ill and my wife is the primary care giver and she spends a lot of time at our house.this means other family members come to my house to see her. I find I can't tolerate them and I say mean hateful things to them and my wife and her mother. I hate these people so much I try to provoke them so I can take my hatred out on them.

this is destroying my marriage and I miserable because they are around so much,I spend most days in a constant state of rage and I don't know how to stop. Is a there process for learning to forgive people ?

sorry for the long winded rant. venting I guess

P.S.don't hold back tell me what you think I need to hear . it might help
 
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JD8

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Her mother is sick and you're worried about a grudge? Get over it, let it go, and stop making it about you. I get that they are POSs, don't forget that, but don't let their shortcomings dictate your life.
 

53convert

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so, when you originally confronted them as to the problem........what did they tell you was their dislike for you.
I get they are backstabbers, but the other part of the equation is you.

forgot to add......when the MIL is gone, ods are you wont see most if any of them again.....that's my experience
 

kennedy

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I think it's a matter of how you want to live your life. It sounds like a little peace is what you desire. If it was me I would say swallow your pride, kiss your wife and tell her you will try harder to get along and then try. Life is too short to live it angry.
 

saddlebum

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so, when you originally confronted them as to the problem........what did they tell you was their dislike for you.
I get they are backstabbers, but the other part of the equation is you.

forgot to add......when the MIL is gone, ods are you wont see most if any of them again.....that's my experience

I'm from a law enforcement family and very conservative, they are very anti law enforcement,very liberal and we have had heated disagreements over such things
 

snipes

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To me there are two things being lost in your anger.
The declining state of your MIL's health and the stress your wife is under.
Like is was said above when your MIL passes you won't have to see much of them but you will have to see your wife and your actions during this time may dictate if she chooses to see you, if, at all.
Support her and love her every way you can even if it means stepping outside your comfort zone.
Real talk, quit being a dick and help your wife through this very difficult time.
 

EhlerDave

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If you love your wife let it go and ignore them.

Trying to provoke them, even if you do it wont sit well with the wife, she has enough to deal with, her Mom being sick.

To me this does not mean to be buddies with them just get along enough that the wife has less tress to deal with.
 

twoguns?

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Sorry to hear of your problems, mine is a general distrust of people.
It seems my wives have been only for what they can get, I'm a hard worker that generally can make good money(I'm in the same field)
Until I got hurt, but that's a different story
It seems the person most hurt by My anger( a little different situation, but the pain is similar)....was me
Holding a grudge, letting people live in My head, rent free....took up all the good I had
I finally had to come to the understanding, that people get to do what they want to do, its None of my business...to let them live in my head was...My business
Now, I don't have to help them, or like how they treat me.....what I do have to do ....is be The Best I can be, God will sort them out
Oh, there was that search....to find a Loving God that wasn't punishing me....to the Best of My understanding
Be polite, Be courteous, sometimes Be Quiet....give NO reason for anyone to distrust, dislike You.....
If you can do that ....I feel much better at the end of the day
It will take time and strength...all of which you have, just harness that , and be the best person you can
Good Luck and I will be Praying for All involved
 

Zaphod Beeblebrox

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When they come over find something to do in the garage. You can't let your distaste of them ruin your marriage or hurt your wife. Sounds like she's got enough on her plate without you sulking about like a hormonal teenager with a grudge.

Sure, they probably have it coming, but this about your wife, not them. Her mother will be gone one day and she is going to remember how you acted during this time. You have to decide what that memory should look like.
 

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