Im about the same way with my in laws and when they do come over once in a blue moon i always make sure i have something to do away from the house so they cant follow me around. But if they do try to follow i mention the word WORK and they get lost quick.
I think one of the main things that has set me off is this woman who has never liked me is now dependent on my wife and I to foot the bill while my wife's sisters and brother contribute nothing financial but want to tell my wife how everything should be done. I personally don't wont to spend one minute of my time or one dime of my money dealing with this but some how i'm stuck with it. I'm 55 years old with health issues of my own,never asked for help in anyway from any of them or anyone else really and feel like i'm wasting my life dealing with this.sounds really selfish when I type it out .but i'll never get back the time I put my life on hold for people I despise
Saddle,
Sorry for the bad situation.
It sounds like you -want- to be a nice person, but the other people just somehow push your buttons. (various reasons)
...And as you mentioned, it places you in a bad situation with a bad mood - which may effect your marriage.
SO the question is how to you manage your attitude, given such a situation.
I think you've already tried to 'suck-it-up', ...but sometime it's too much.
If that fails, I'd recommend you consider outside help.
Maybe a counselor/therapist to help put things in perspective, develop new tools to minimize the anger, and how to mitigate the effects.
It's tough spot. Sorry.
I hope you find a way to figure it out.
Sorry for the bad situation.
It sounds like you -want- to be a nice person, but the other people just somehow push your buttons. (various reasons)
...And as you mentioned, it places you in a bad situation with a bad mood - which may effect your marriage.
SO the question is how to you manage your attitude, given such a situation.
I think you've already tried to 'suck-it-up', ...but sometime it's too much.
If that fails, I'd recommend you consider outside help.
Maybe a counselor/therapist to help put things in perspective, develop new tools to minimize the anger, and how to mitigate the effects.
It's tough spot. Sorry.
I hope you find a way to figure it out.
No no no.
Your wife brought them into your house. Not you.
Now dont be mean to her because you let her, but to hell with her family. I cut assholes out of my life all the time. They only hate you because you wont let them use you. I might be lonely but i dont walk around with daggers in my back anymore.
Your wife brought them into your house. Not you.
Now dont be mean to her because you let her, but to hell with her family. I cut assholes out of my life all the time. They only hate you because you wont let them use you. I might be lonely but i dont walk around with daggers in my back anymore.
For what it does to you, THIS is what you can change, and need to change for you own health and longevity. It is 50/50 whether profession help or knowledgeable friends are the way to go, but it helps YOU to work it out.
You can't change other people. You can only change yourself.
Be a better person if you can.
Been there, done that.
because of the way I feel about them, I disagree with any thing they say or do,I make sure they know how much I dislike them being In my home and I wish only bad for them. I wish I could just be neutral with them but I can't seem to control it
Out of respect for your wife, I'd say at least be civil to them but try to find things you can do to get you away from them while they are visiting.
Have you discussed any of this with your wife?
Have you discussed any of this with your wife?
Well, I'm just a friend, so I'll share one thought of a process I use that probably is silly and unprofessional anyway.
I have a group that I have to deal with routinely that is similar to your group. Selfish, incredibly arrogant, and arbiters of everything and everybody, always right, and expect to be pampered.
But, I can say NO. And why am I worried about the opinions of such people anyway? Why am I giving them such power over me? They can think what they want, and I think their opinion is worthless, and can reject them.
Seems you have decided to stick with it and try to work things out.
Here is how I think about solving this situation
I would start by explaining to the involved individuals why you are mad/hate them. Explain to them that you are not a tool for them to use and then throw away. I would give specific examples... Then, I would state that I am unhappy with the way we have been living together (full of hate and misunderstanding), and that I want this to change. I will try to forget the past and live only in the present, but that you will likely behave similarly (hateful) if i were treated like before (like a tool). I would make it clear that for meaningful change to occur, both parties involved will have to change behaviors. I would never say that it is all their fault, in fact i would mostly try to focus on my own behavior and try to understand how that made them feel. Then i would expect for them to tell me how they felt.
I think thats how i would start. Since you declared your hate at a family function, you will have to do this spiel for all those that were there, all at once or individually.
edit
when i wrote..."you will have to".... i really meant... "you might consider"... with all due respect
Here is how I think about solving this situation
I would start by explaining to the involved individuals why you are mad/hate them. Explain to them that you are not a tool for them to use and then throw away. I would give specific examples... Then, I would state that I am unhappy with the way we have been living together (full of hate and misunderstanding), and that I want this to change. I will try to forget the past and live only in the present, but that you will likely behave similarly (hateful) if i were treated like before (like a tool). I would make it clear that for meaningful change to occur, both parties involved will have to change behaviors. I would never say that it is all their fault, in fact i would mostly try to focus on my own behavior and try to understand how that made them feel. Then i would expect for them to tell me how they felt.
I think thats how i would start. Since you declared your hate at a family function, you will have to do this spiel for all those that were there, all at once or individually.
edit
when i wrote..."you will have to".... i really meant... "you might consider"... with all due respect
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Some good advice is being given here....here's my 2 cents worth. (Well...more like a buck and a half..i get long winded..LOL )
If you love your wife, find a way to get over this, even if it's giving in and just learning to live with them... Otherwise if you are unable to let it go, you stand a good chance of on day hearing "i can't take this anymore" and she (or you) is gunna be gone anyway.
If you don't find her enough of a reason to let go of it, then be done with it and go your separate ways. I'm not an advocate of telling people to split up...but damn...this doesn't seem like something that any of you can healthfully continue to live with. There's no sense in putting her, yourself and everyone else through the BS this HAS to be causing.
If you are as forward about letting them know you hate them, etc..etc...to the point of initiating confrontation, etc... you are as MUCH a CAUSE of the continuation of the problem as them. You cannot control them, but you can control YOU. If you CAN'T control YOU, then my friend, YOU have a problem that needs help.
This HAS to be causing problems with you and your wife even when the family isn't around (i know the MIL is there). And any steady building and building of friction is NEVER a good thing...it's GOING TO explode at some time...and it won't be pretty. (Think about it like the cause and end effect of earthquakes) Like i said earlier...if you love her and want to stay together, then find some way to let this **** go. It isn't worth it. If you can't...get away, because something this potent is bound to at some time have some BADDDDDD outcomes.
Pray...if you are so inclined. Talk to a preacher or a friend or someone who you can be 100% Honest with. Talk to your wife..and be 100% honest. If you want to get over this and need help doing so, you need to be 100% honest about everything. Don't be afraid to go to some sort of counseling...if for nothing else but to get fresh input or a fresh look at the true cause of the continued friction, and maybe a mutually acceptable fix.
You say they thought you were an *******...Are/Were you??? I mean take a hard look and see if maybe their initial feelings might have been founded. It's tough to self reflect sometimes...but necessary. If so...get together and say " hey this **** has got out of hand...i realize i was a dick, and did this or that and i apologize" even if you aren't the complete cause of the deal, See how that goes...be the bigger person...you never know..they may do the same and then at least you may be able to agree to be civil, etc. You may be able to agree to disagree on your differences in outlooks on life, etc...etc. That might at least make things bearable while you are stuck with them being around. If you weren't a dick....it sounds like you may be being one now... founded or not...sorry, but that's what i read from it. If they are truly just confrontational, low life's, then there may be NO fixing the situation. If that's the case, then you have some soul searching and life decisions to make before things explode.
It's hard to do "what has to be done" sometimes, no matter what that may be. But sounds like you need to decide what course of action is best and go for it no matter which way it may lead. If there's one thing i do know about life is you can't live a happy productive life it a big part of your daily family life is hate, resentment, friction and turmoil.
Best of luck to you man...i don't envy your situation at all. I hope everything can work out and you can have peace.
If you love your wife, find a way to get over this, even if it's giving in and just learning to live with them... Otherwise if you are unable to let it go, you stand a good chance of on day hearing "i can't take this anymore" and she (or you) is gunna be gone anyway.
If you don't find her enough of a reason to let go of it, then be done with it and go your separate ways. I'm not an advocate of telling people to split up...but damn...this doesn't seem like something that any of you can healthfully continue to live with. There's no sense in putting her, yourself and everyone else through the BS this HAS to be causing.
If you are as forward about letting them know you hate them, etc..etc...to the point of initiating confrontation, etc... you are as MUCH a CAUSE of the continuation of the problem as them. You cannot control them, but you can control YOU. If you CAN'T control YOU, then my friend, YOU have a problem that needs help.
This HAS to be causing problems with you and your wife even when the family isn't around (i know the MIL is there). And any steady building and building of friction is NEVER a good thing...it's GOING TO explode at some time...and it won't be pretty. (Think about it like the cause and end effect of earthquakes) Like i said earlier...if you love her and want to stay together, then find some way to let this **** go. It isn't worth it. If you can't...get away, because something this potent is bound to at some time have some BADDDDDD outcomes.
Pray...if you are so inclined. Talk to a preacher or a friend or someone who you can be 100% Honest with. Talk to your wife..and be 100% honest. If you want to get over this and need help doing so, you need to be 100% honest about everything. Don't be afraid to go to some sort of counseling...if for nothing else but to get fresh input or a fresh look at the true cause of the continued friction, and maybe a mutually acceptable fix.
You say they thought you were an *******...Are/Were you??? I mean take a hard look and see if maybe their initial feelings might have been founded. It's tough to self reflect sometimes...but necessary. If so...get together and say " hey this **** has got out of hand...i realize i was a dick, and did this or that and i apologize" even if you aren't the complete cause of the deal, See how that goes...be the bigger person...you never know..they may do the same and then at least you may be able to agree to be civil, etc. You may be able to agree to disagree on your differences in outlooks on life, etc...etc. That might at least make things bearable while you are stuck with them being around. If you weren't a dick....it sounds like you may be being one now... founded or not...sorry, but that's what i read from it. If they are truly just confrontational, low life's, then there may be NO fixing the situation. If that's the case, then you have some soul searching and life decisions to make before things explode.
It's hard to do "what has to be done" sometimes, no matter what that may be. But sounds like you need to decide what course of action is best and go for it no matter which way it may lead. If there's one thing i do know about life is you can't live a happy productive life it a big part of your daily family life is hate, resentment, friction and turmoil.
Best of luck to you man...i don't envy your situation at all. I hope everything can work out and you can have peace.
