Here are some ideas to keep retirees occupied.


Special Hen
Apr 29, 2006
Reaction score
Oklahoma City
Some of you guys will relate to this.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I
found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station
and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to
lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
the children shoppers he'd invite them in if
they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?' EMTs were

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's
no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your
property taxes will go up, your stocks will go down,
and your middle will spread. (How's that for a curse?!?)
What? It's already come true? Then send it anyway--you've got nothin' to lose!


Special Hen Supporter
Oct 27, 2012
Reaction score
I'm guilty of a couple of those, sometimes if I'm in a store and the phone is ringing I pick it up and then hang up on the caller. or if a teller is close by, I tell them, "I'll get it." And I always ask for an employee discount.
Top Bottom