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<blockquote data-quote="OKSpeedDemon" data-source="post: 2736027" data-attributes="member: 33082"><p>When I first was diagnosed with cancer I thought about it, and again during treatment. I had a mass on my neck and had a scan done and it showed another mass on my pancreas. I thought that the cancer had spread and it was the end. I've had all of my grandparents except one die from cancer and thought that this is it. Why not just end it and not worry about the going through treatment. Seeing my grandparents go through the radiation and chemotherapy really sucked, and I didn't wanna go through what they went through. I thought about not even going through the radiation and chemo, deep down I knew I was going to do it but there was a lot of hesitation about it. Now looking back after going through a surgery to remove half my pancreas and 6 weeks of radiation and chemo it wasn't as bad as I had built it up to be in my head. Was it bad? Yes! I wouldn't want to do it again and don't see how anyone gets through it longer than 6 weeks. I was at my very limit, throwing up 4-5 times a day, fatigue, no taste, no appetite, weight loss (not really a bad thing), etc. just was taking a toll. I thought about letting go every day. Going through what I was going through and than knowing it's only gonna get worse really doesn't help your outlook on life. I will say that it was all a head game. I had to tell myself all the time that things are going to get better, this is just a temporary thing in life. My dad was a huge help and so was hydrocodone (but that's another story). </p><p></p><p>There's been several other times before this that my head has not been right and I thought about ending things. Mostly thoughts about life in general sucked and was I really doing the best I could do at the time and didn't think I was wanted or thought I was a failure in life. I still get these feelings sometimes and think would I really be missed. I've come to realize it's all in my head and I just have to tune it out, and think of the good things.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="OKSpeedDemon, post: 2736027, member: 33082"] When I first was diagnosed with cancer I thought about it, and again during treatment. I had a mass on my neck and had a scan done and it showed another mass on my pancreas. I thought that the cancer had spread and it was the end. I've had all of my grandparents except one die from cancer and thought that this is it. Why not just end it and not worry about the going through treatment. Seeing my grandparents go through the radiation and chemotherapy really sucked, and I didn't wanna go through what they went through. I thought about not even going through the radiation and chemo, deep down I knew I was going to do it but there was a lot of hesitation about it. Now looking back after going through a surgery to remove half my pancreas and 6 weeks of radiation and chemo it wasn't as bad as I had built it up to be in my head. Was it bad? Yes! I wouldn't want to do it again and don't see how anyone gets through it longer than 6 weeks. I was at my very limit, throwing up 4-5 times a day, fatigue, no taste, no appetite, weight loss (not really a bad thing), etc. just was taking a toll. I thought about letting go every day. Going through what I was going through and than knowing it's only gonna get worse really doesn't help your outlook on life. I will say that it was all a head game. I had to tell myself all the time that things are going to get better, this is just a temporary thing in life. My dad was a huge help and so was hydrocodone (but that's another story). There's been several other times before this that my head has not been right and I thought about ending things. Mostly thoughts about life in general sucked and was I really doing the best I could do at the time and didn't think I was wanted or thought I was a failure in life. I still get these feelings sometimes and think would I really be missed. I've come to realize it's all in my head and I just have to tune it out, and think of the good things. [/QUOTE]
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