Jokes in really, REALLY bad taste ...

[Snattlerake]

Two men were walking across the street from each other. One man was dragging his foot scraping it along the ground.

The second man looked at the afflicted man and yelled, Nam?

The first man yelled back, Nah, dog shiit 1/2 block back.

 

[Snattlerake]

I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few weeks ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.


---------------------------------

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.​

You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

 

[Snattlerake]

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again.

Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.

He's stark naked and has an erection.

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, 'oh no, not the breathalyzer again!

 

[Snattlerake]

On a particular evening, a family took their aging mother to a nursing home in the hope that they would take care of her. The following morning, the nurses at home bathed the woman, fed her, and placed her in a chair.

The chair was overlooking a beautiful flower garden, and so the older woman sat there enjoying the view. She looked to be okay in her position, so the nurses let her be.

After a while, however, the woman begins to tilt to her side. This was immediately noticed by two nurses, who rushed to her and set her straight.

Again, she was okay and balanced. Time goes by and again, the older woman began to fall to her other side. The nurses rushed to her and straightened her up.

The woman's family came back to see her and know if she had adjusted well to her new surroundings. They asked her how she was and whether the nurses were treating her well.
The woman then replied, saying:

"It's pretty nice, except they won't let you fart."

 

[Snattlerake]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bich! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

 

[Glock 'em down]

Since we're doing nursing home jokes...

A guy walks into the nursing home where his wife is an RN. As he walks across the main room to the nurses station, he notices an old man, slowly standing up from his wheelchair. As he comes to a full stance, he tilts his head back and yells out..."36!"

Everyone in the room laughs hysterically.

Another man makes his way to his feet and yells out..."29!"

Again, everyone giggles like crazy.

As soon as that man sits, another gentleman stands up and cries out..."52!"

Laughter fills the room.

The guy finally makes his way to the nurses station and his wife is there.

"Um...what in the hell is going on in there?" he asks his wife.

"These old bastards have told the same old jokes for so long, we've decided to number them. This way, they don't have to tell the entire joke, just shout out the number. Everyone knows what joke it is and they all laugh. It's worked out pretty well...go ahead...try it" she says to him.

The guy looks around and shyly says, "uhh...63"

Silence.

"Try again" his wife says.

"Um...44" the man says a little louder.

Nothing.

"Uhh...55?" he says as loud as he can, thinking they didn't hear him the first two times.

Crickets.

"I don't understand" he asks his wife. "Why aren't they laughing?"

The wife responds, "well, ya know honey...I'm sorry, but some guys can tell a joke, and some guys just can't."

 

[Forgalspop]

An ole gal in Nebraska calls the local sheriff’s office and states she’s been raped, so the sheriff sends a deputy to her place to investigate.

When the deputy gets to her place he asks her to explain what happened.

She tells him that she was hanging laundry on the clothes line and when she bent over to get another piece of laundry a man rushes up behind her; flips up her dress, pulls her panties down, and proceeded to rape her from behind.

The deputy asks her if she got a good look at the man. She replies that she was so flustered and busy pulling up her panties that she did not see his face, but knew he was a farmer.

The deputy asks her how she knew he was a farmer.

She tells the deputy, “Well, first he complained it was too dry, and then he complained it was too wet and then drove off in a brand new pickup.”

 

[GorillaG]

Here ... this should hold you guys for a minute ... lol

A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?". She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50". He asks, "What ******* gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "all of them".

I'm 65 and that was an old joke when I was a kid....

 

[BillM]

I'm 65 and that was an old joke when I was a kid....

I remember my grandpa telling me that joke was old when he was a kid.

 

[CanadianRiverRat]

I remember my grandpa telling me that joke was old when he was a kid.

I recall a National Geographic magazine article showing that joke was found by archaeologists when they uncovered the ruins of Pompeii, it was chiseled into a stone column.