Jokes in really, REALLY bad taste ...

[SoonerP226]

This is the first joke my old boss ever told me.

A baby penguin was having a birthday party. As most birthday parties do, this one had lots of cake and ice cream, and as baby penguins often are, he was a sloppy eater, ending up with ice cream all over himself.

After a grand time was had by all, the baby penguin hopped in his car and started driving home. About halfway there, the check engine light comes on and smoke starts coming out from under the hood, so he pulls over to the side of the road, turns off the car, and hot-foots it to the nearest establishment with a phone. After calling the auto club, he goes back to his car to wait.

Before he can get there, a mechanic has already shown up, popped the hood, and is taking a look, so the baby penguin slips into the car to get out of the weather. After a few minutes, he knocks on the window and tells the baby penguin, "hey, bud, it looks like you blew a seal."

The baby penguin rubs a flipper across his face and replies, "no, no, it's just ice cream."

 

[Snattlerake]

A police officer saw a car full of nuns going much too slow for the highway they were on. He pulled them over and walked up to the driver. "Why are you going so slow?" The nun that was driving then replied "That sign right there says 20." The police officer looked at the sign. "That sign is the highway number that you are on, the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour and you are impeding traffic going so slow." "Oh, sorry officer." Just then, the police officer looked in the back seat to see three more nuns shaking and all three were wide-eyed and looking terrified. "What's wrong with them?" the officer asked. The nun that was driving looked back at them. Sheepishly, she replied, "We just turned off of highway 100."

 

[Snattlerake]

​

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer ***, ya bloody penguins !" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off !"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

 

[Glock 'em down]

My favorite nun joke...

Two nuns left the Vatican for a trip to New York City. "I heard the people in America eat dogs" one nun told the other on the plane. "Well, maybe we should try it" said the other one. "I mean, how bad could a dog taste?"

So their plane lands and they are walking the streets of Manhattan when the see a cart in the park that says 'Hot Dogs.'

They sheepishly approach the vendor, giggling and say, "two dogs please."

Giggle, giggle, giggle...

The vendor slaps two wieners on a couple of buns, wraps them each in tin foil, takes their money, thanks the nuns and they leave.

They giggle some more as they find their way to a park bench. They unwrap the hot dogs, then suddenly their schoolgirl laughter comes to a screeching halt.

They shockingly look at each other, and one asks the other...

"What part of the dog did YOU get?

 

[HFS]

Lazy dog for sale

This fellow took out an ad in the paper for a "worthless hound" for sale, pure bred with papers, etc but price only $1.
A local attorney stopped by asking about him and the owner explained he had gotten the dog from another lawyer who had named him "Counselor," because the hound would jump right up and start baying and howling very impressively -- if the dog thought there was something in it for him.
When asked why such a fine and talented dog had an asking price of only one dollar, the owner hung his head and explained that a member of the family came to visit and instead of calling the dog Counselor, he kept calling him Judge instead.
"And ever since then," the owner explained, "All he wants to do is sit on his a-- and growl."

 

[turkeyrun]

Spread Eagle had been called to the White House to meet with Pedo Joe.

Upon arrival, Joe is having ice cream and offers her some. It is a hot day and ends up with all over.

She is headed home, when the car breaks downs. She calls the Auto Club and a mechanic arrives quickly. He is under the hood for just a couple of minutes, when he walks around to side window.

The window comes down and the mechanic laughs, "looks like you blew a seal."

Spread Eagle cackles, "actually, it was the whole team."

 

[OkieJoe72]

How do you use your dishwasher as a whole house heater?


You buy her a chainsaw.

 

[OkieJoe72]

Why does a woman not need a watch?


Because there’s a clock on the stove.

 

[Snattlerake]

When my father was 83 he had just been freed from the hospital after knee surgery. It was my job to drive him home and get him settled in. Dad was hungry so I drove up to the fast food kiosk at the local drive through. We apparently were taking too much time to order as the woman behind us leaning on her horn was telling us.

She was gyrating and cussing us but we couldn't hear what she was screaming. When I got to the pay window I paid for our order and her order. I then went to the food window to pick up our order. Again, the woman's car horn hooted but this time she was thanking us and waving. Since I had both receipts I took our food order and hers and drove away.

 

[Snattlerake]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.