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Discussion in 'Stupid Stuff' started by Annie, Sep 1, 2017.
I really think you should call it "low-carb".
You know we're going to hell now...
The United Way, a lawyer and donations---there HAS GOT TO BE a joke in there somewhere.
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a UW worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh... no, I didn't know that."
”Secondly,” says the lawyer, “Did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair, and is unable to support his wife and six children?”
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
”Thirdly,” says the lawyer, “did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
Then the lawyer says, “So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
A big brother helping the his little brother:
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, replied the boy.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”
“Oh really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” The boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis, and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of that.”
If I was a plastic surgeon, I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant!
I was delivering to a cabinet shop the other day and one of the older fellas told me this one.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow???
Give that Beeyotch a shovel.
ALZHEIMER'S SELF-EXAMINATION TEST FOR MALES
It takes less than 15 seconds..
If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?
Taking the Bait:
An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Whatcha you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up son," says the old man. "Let me grab get my hat!"
My granfather passed away and at the funeral I asked my granmother......granmother, what happened? I thought grandad was in pretty good shape for his age....even if he was 92 years old.
My granmother told me it happened on Sunday morning. She told me they were making love when it happened. I couldn't believe what she told me. I mentioned to her....92 years old and you two were making love???!!!
She said every Sunday morning....in rhythm with the church bells. Ding......dong.....ding....dong. In with the ding....out with the dong.
I couldn't believe what she just told me.......
With tears in her eyes she said my granfather would still be here today if it wasn't for that d@mn ice cream truck ringing it's bell!!!!
Last one I promise(at least for tonight).
Two old ladies were outside smoking cigarettes when it began to rain. One of the ladies pulls a condom from her purse, cuts it with scissors, wraps it on the unlit part of her cigarette.
Her friend asks her.....what in the world are you doing? The lady states that it's starting to rain and she doesn't want to get her cigarette wet and she recommends to her friend to buy a box of condoms....they're cheap and they do keep your cigarettes from getting wet.
So the next day the little old lady goes to the pharmacy, walks up to the counter and asks for the cheapest box of condoms.
The pharmacist looks at her and says...aren't you a little old to be needing a box of condoms?
The lady states...well, I am 89 years old but I really do need a box of condoms.
The pharmacist shakes his head and says ....okay.....what size.
The little old lady says.....one that will fit a camel.