I still laugh out loud when I read it.......
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
>
> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
>
> It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
>
>
>
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
> from Springfield, IL.
>
>
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off.
>
> The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
> be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
>
> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
> be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
> during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
>
>
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway.
>
> Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
> These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
>
> I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
> two people who wanted to
>
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
> saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano.
>
> Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
>
> Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
> my chest.
>
> I'm getting wasted from all of the beer.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it.
>
> Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills.
>
> This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear
> waste I'm eating!
>
> Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
>
> Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes.
>
> I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.
>
> The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
> me brain damage.
>
> Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
> the pitcher.
>
> I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the
> other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>
> Screw 'em.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
> Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames.
>
> I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through
> the chair.
>
> No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
>
> I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment.
>
> **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be
> a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing.
>
> I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
> rushing water.
>
> My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
>
> My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
>
> At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
>
> I've decided to stop breathing its too painful. Screw it; I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway.
>
> If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to
>
> declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> nor hot.
>
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>
> Not sure if he's going to make it, poor feller, wonder how he'd have
> reacted to really hot chili?
>
> Judge # 3 - No Report
>
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
>
> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
>
> It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
>
>
>
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
> from Springfield, IL.
>
>
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off.
>
> The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
> be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
>
> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
> be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
> during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
>
>
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway.
>
> Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
> These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
>
> I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
> two people who wanted to
>
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
> saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano.
>
> Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
>
> Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
> my chest.
>
> I'm getting wasted from all of the beer.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it.
>
> Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills.
>
> This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear
> waste I'm eating!
>
> Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
>
> Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes.
>
> I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.
>
> The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
> me brain damage.
>
> Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
> the pitcher.
>
> I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the
> other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>
> Screw 'em.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
> Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames.
>
> I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through
> the chair.
>
> No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
>
> I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment.
>
> **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be
> a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing.
>
> I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
> rushing water.
>
> My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
>
> My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
>
> At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
>
> I've decided to stop breathing its too painful. Screw it; I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway.
>
> If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to
>
> declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> nor hot.
>
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>
> Not sure if he's going to make it, poor feller, wonder how he'd have
> reacted to really hot chili?
>
> Judge # 3 - No Report
>
