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The Water Cooler
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Things I have learned in my 65 years of life.
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<blockquote data-quote="Woody&#039;s Janitor" data-source="post: 3242101" data-attributes="member: 7615"><p>So apparently, RSVPing to a wedding</p><p>invitation with "maybe next time" isn't</p><p>the correct response.</p><p></p><p>Arguing with a woman is like reading</p><p>a software licensing agreement. In the</p><p>end, you just ignore everything and click,</p><p>"I agree."</p><p></p><p>I'm trying to see things from your point</p><p>of view, but I can't stick my head that far</p><p>up my ass.</p><p></p><p>If you have an opinion about my life,</p><p>please raise your hand.</p><p>Now put it over your mouth.</p><p></p><p>As I've grown older, I've learned that</p><p>pleasing everyone is impossible, but</p><p>pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.</p><p></p><p>I'm not trying to get too technical here,</p><p>but according to my chemistry professor,</p><p>alcohol is a solution.</p><p></p><p>If you're offended by the things I say,</p><p>imagine the stuff I hold back.</p><p></p><p>I don't trust joggers; they're always the</p><p>ones who find dead bodies.</p><p>I'm just saying....</p><p></p><p>Is it rude to toss a Xanax in someone's</p><p>mouth while they're talking?</p><p></p><p>Why do I have to press "1" for English</p><p>when you're just going to transfer me to</p><p>someone I can't understand anyway?</p><p></p><p>Nothing says "I mean business" more than</p><p>using a cart at the liquor store.</p><p></p><p>The only thing I hate more than a dirty</p><p>house is cleaning.</p><p></p><p>I'm going to ignore that "friend request"</p><p>from your alter ego.</p><p></p><p>Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who</p><p>only wants to cuddle.</p><p></p><p>Flowers say, "I'm sorry."</p><p>Louis Vuitton says, "I've learned my lesson."</p><p>Oops! Did I just roll my eyes out loud?</p><p></p><p>In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty</p><p>dumb stuff when I was sober.</p><p></p><p>Apology accepted; trust denied.</p><p></p><p>As I do more laundry, nudists seem less crazy.</p><p></p><p>Remember when people had diaries and</p><p>got mad when someone read them?</p><p>Now they put everything online and get</p><p>mad when people don't.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Woody's Janitor, post: 3242101, member: 7615"] So apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with "maybe next time" isn't the correct response. Arguing with a woman is like reading a software licensing agreement. In the end, you just ignore everything and click, "I agree." I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass. If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake. I'm not trying to get too technical here, but according to my chemistry professor, alcohol is a solution. If you're offended by the things I say, imagine the stuff I hold back. I don't trust joggers; they're always the ones who find dead bodies. I'm just saying.... Is it rude to toss a Xanax in someone's mouth while they're talking? Why do I have to press "1" for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? Nothing says "I mean business" more than using a cart at the liquor store. The only thing I hate more than a dirty house is cleaning. I'm going to ignore that "friend request" from your alter ego. Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle. Flowers say, "I'm sorry." Louis Vuitton says, "I've learned my lesson." Oops! Did I just roll my eyes out loud? In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty dumb stuff when I was sober. Apology accepted; trust denied. As I do more laundry, nudists seem less crazy. Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't. [/QUOTE]
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