So apparently, RSVPing to a wedding
invitation with "maybe next time" isn't
the correct response.
Arguing with a woman is like reading
a software licensing agreement. In the
end, you just ignore everything and click,
"I agree."
I'm trying to see things from your point
of view, but I can't stick my head that far
up my ass.
If you have an opinion about my life,
please raise your hand.
Now put it over your mouth.
As I've grown older, I've learned that
pleasing everyone is impossible, but
pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
I'm not trying to get too technical here,
but according to my chemistry professor,
alcohol is a solution.
If you're offended by the things I say,
imagine the stuff I hold back.
I don't trust joggers; they're always the
ones who find dead bodies.
I'm just saying....
Is it rude to toss a Xanax in someone's
mouth while they're talking?
Why do I have to press "1" for English
when you're just going to transfer me to
someone I can't understand anyway?
Nothing says "I mean business" more than
using a cart at the liquor store.
The only thing I hate more than a dirty
house is cleaning.
I'm going to ignore that "friend request"
from your alter ego.
Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who
only wants to cuddle.
Flowers say, "I'm sorry."
Louis Vuitton says, "I've learned my lesson."
Oops! Did I just roll my eyes out loud?
In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty
dumb stuff when I was sober.
Apology accepted; trust denied.
As I do more laundry, nudists seem less crazy.
Remember when people had diaries and
got mad when someone read them?
Now they put everything online and get
mad when people don't.
invitation with "maybe next time" isn't
the correct response.
Arguing with a woman is like reading
a software licensing agreement. In the
end, you just ignore everything and click,
"I agree."
I'm trying to see things from your point
of view, but I can't stick my head that far
up my ass.
If you have an opinion about my life,
please raise your hand.
Now put it over your mouth.
As I've grown older, I've learned that
pleasing everyone is impossible, but
pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
I'm not trying to get too technical here,
but according to my chemistry professor,
alcohol is a solution.
If you're offended by the things I say,
imagine the stuff I hold back.
I don't trust joggers; they're always the
ones who find dead bodies.
I'm just saying....
Is it rude to toss a Xanax in someone's
mouth while they're talking?
Why do I have to press "1" for English
when you're just going to transfer me to
someone I can't understand anyway?
Nothing says "I mean business" more than
using a cart at the liquor store.
The only thing I hate more than a dirty
house is cleaning.
I'm going to ignore that "friend request"
from your alter ego.
Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who
only wants to cuddle.
Flowers say, "I'm sorry."
Louis Vuitton says, "I've learned my lesson."
Oops! Did I just roll my eyes out loud?
In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty
dumb stuff when I was sober.
Apology accepted; trust denied.
As I do more laundry, nudists seem less crazy.
Remember when people had diaries and
got mad when someone read them?
Now they put everything online and get
mad when people don't.
