Funny things said around your house

[JRSherman]

I don't really have any I can think of off hand for around the house, but I have a few quotes from friends while I was in the Navy I'll never forget.

One guy's ex-wife/booty call came up to visit him in NH. While driving on the turnpike, they came up to the toll booth. Jess is a real blond mind you, so the following is quoted for truthfulness of what she said: "80 cents, why don't they just make it a dollar?" May not be funny to most people, but it had us rolling for about a month any time we'd go buy anything.

As an example of how crude sub humor is, we found out we were going to be stuck onboard for about 12 hours with no chance of food during a electrical switchboard test. As my Chief was telling us this, one of my buddies(who had already been on watch for awhile) pipes up "What?? No dinner??? I want to be transferred to Auschwitz, now!!" I'll never forget the look on Chief's face, one of those facepalm moments for sure.

A few other ones were "I wonder what it would cost to put a hit out on yourself?" during one of the many briefs going into a 14 hour day prior to initial startup, "My schmeeear!" any time a certain ET with a birthmark on his face that looked like a crap stain was around, and "Sir, STFU, I know what I'm doing" all the time.

I might have to dig out my quote book, there may be a few I'm forgetting.

 

[uniquediversity]

"Your moms a man!"

 

[Blinocac200sx]

My wife to her daughter: "Yay, we're gonna eat daddy's meat!"

 

[rezin]

my daughter "I'd rather chew my foot off than watch another episode of Glee"

 

[briarcreekguy]

If you can't be good, be good at it!

From my sister, about my first mother-in-law that was instigating a split between me and the first wife, " What do you think is cheaper, a divorce or a hit man?"

To my dog every morning, "Why don't you go to work today, and I'll lay on the couch all day and watch TV and lick myself."

 

[jarhead983]

I was married in my Dress Blues and. whenever its brougt up I say that 'we had a military wedding; at least there were guns there'. My wife responds with 'If there had been my mother would have shot you with them' I reply, 'And if I had known then what I know now, I would have let her.' Always gets me a arm slap

 

[ithrowicecubes]

My wife looked up from reading something on her iPhone and said with a straight face, "Honey, never raw dog a random."

 

[druryj]

My wife and I had a sensuous moment...I said: "Honey, sensuous already up, how 'bout gettin' me another beer?"

 

[royallbinky]

Okie98 always used to tell me to "Go play in the highway!" and to "Die Silently"

Although his best words ever came when I was 3 and my brother (8 years older) hit me, I came to Dad crying and he gave me the best advice of my entire life "Well, wait until he's not expecting it and hit him back" He really couldn't punish me an hour later when I clocked my brother in the head with a metal fire truck!

 

[elcaBob]

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! It smells like bartlett pears and elephant ass in here!