Funny things said around your house

[LightningCrash]

me to the 5yo: "Computers perform instructions. They only do what someone tells them to do."

the 4yo opens the door to my room, yells: "COMPUTER! TURN! ON!"

 

[poopgiggle]

Teach your kid to yell "0xFF 0xE4!!!"

 

[Jwryan84]

Literally less than a minute ago. My wife telling me about a problem she is having and I tell her something simple to fix it. Saying its common sense.

"Well this ain't about common sense".........

 

[LightningCrash]

"I'm going to Tommy Emanuel even if I have to wear a diaper"

 

[orangeRcode]

"I brought you into this world and I can take you out".

Can't take credit for that Bill Cosby pearl of wisdom but I like to use it on my kids when they warrant it.

 

[LightningCrash]

So here's how I choked on a steak burrito today:

me: "Do you want to try this burrito?"
wife: "No, I don't want that burrito."
me: "Would you like a ride on my burrito?"
wife: "You're not coming anywhere near me with that thing, so you need to %ack off"

%: After I finished laughing and choking, I figured out she said "so you need to back off"

 

[clintbailey]

How have I missed this thread so long? Anyway, its been a couple years back, but my sister in law would watch my youngest son while we were at work during the summer break. My brother in law works on a rig, so he's home for 7 days at a time. I guess they were arguing about whatever one day, and my son pipes up and says "My daddy wouldn't talk to my momma like that". When my SIL asks why he said that, he says, "Because momma would beat the hell out of him!" Still laugh at that one! And no that hasn't happened, nor will it ever...

 

[ChuckC]

To my wife,,,,

"If I'd known the last time was literally going to be the LAST time, I'd have marked it on the calendar so I could celebrate it every year like a birthday"

 

[RidgeHunter]

"See my new nightgown?"

"I like it. Might wanna put that tit away if someone knocks, tho. UPS runs late sometimes."

 

[elwoodtrix]

"See my new nightgown?"

"I like it. Might wanna put that tit away if someone knocks, tho. UPS runs late sometimes."

It is a myth.... maybe 1 out of 50 of those occurrences are something you might want to see....