With a good knife, a bottle of bourbon and a little patience, vasectomies are almost a DIY project you could at home. In fact, they are probably easier to do than taking a Colt 1903 pistol apart.
But I had one that didn’t go as advertised. This is an honest to God story of what happened to me.
It was 1994 and I was living in Michigan working for a company that had such a bad healthcare plan that the choice for doctors was somewhere between going to a vet or a dentist. I did end up finding a doctor with an MD behind his name. His name was Dr. Zack. He wore the typical white doctor’s jacket but his had various Disney and Loony Toons characters on it with a University of Michigan patch over his heart. Didn’t think much of the patches … figured a grand kid probably gave them to him. We met prior to the “snip” where he told me from soup to nuts (pun intended) what was going to happen. Key takeaway … he advised me to shave my own nuts. Of course I told my wife that the good doctor had recommended that she should shave them and being the good wife that she is, she did.
Surgery went fine … or so I thought. Went home to relax with a bag or three of frozen peas.
Two days later, my nuts looked like a pair of grapefruits. They were so big that I could not put on a pair of pants. Wife suggested a skirt. I suggested a kilt. I ended up with a really baggy set of sweat pants. Had to call in sick and when my boss asked what’s up, I told him and he begged me to come to work in either a skirt or a kilt. No can do. They were starting to drain and I figured that was not a “good sign” and told him I was off to the ER.
Get to the ER. They managed to (gently) get me half on the edge of a bed when my doctor comes in. Son of a ***** if he didn’t look and talk like Christopher Lloyd’s character “Reverend Jim” from the sitcom “Taxi”. He walks in with his hair a mess and with a dozen big tongue depressors in his coat pocket. In one hand he had a 4 cell Mag Light and in the other hand a small stool just like that a shoe salesmen sit on with the place to put one’s foot.
He sits down on his little seat and first thing he says is “let’s pull that gown back” and when he sees my huge balls he lets out an “Ohhhh” with some guttural sounds while shaking his head from side to side. “Those don’t look very good.” He’s still shaking his head and moaning looking at my nuts while gently prodding them with a tongue depressor all the while still holding the Mag Light that he never turned on. The doctor turns, leans back a little and opens the door to yell, “Hey Susie! Come in here and take a look at this!”
Susie walks in wearing a white nurse’s outfit … but she is in a miniskirt with platform heels … and she had incredible tits. She walks in and the doctor says, “What do you think of these?!?” Susie turns her head to side much like what a dog would do with an unfamiliar command and says, “Those don’t look very good” and walks out.
He asks who did this and I explain “Dr. Zack” and the ER doctor frowns and says, “The guy with all the cartoon patches?” I said yes. He goes on to explain that he would never let Zack work on him. He then asks me if I remember the U of M patch. I said sure and he goes on to tell me that Dr. Zach had never even driven by U of M much less studied there. Great.
So I ask the good doctor if he could fix my nuts? He replies by asking me if I worked for Ford. I look at him and asked “what does working for Ford have to do with fixing my balls?” and he replies that he was looking for a new car and if I did he would want to see if I could get him a discount. I told him “no” and asked again about fixing my nuts. He said “sure”. I would get two shots today, would get some pills to take home and would come back in five days. “Should be better if not fixed by then”. Still holding the Mag Light that he never turned on, he grabs his foot stool and leaves.
Another nurse comes in carrying a tray just like a cocktail waitress would carry drinks but instead of drinks, she has five HUGE needles. Doesn’t help but she is far hotter than “Susie”. Flat dead gorgeous in a mini skirt, high heels and fishnet stockings. I look at her. She looks at me. I look at the five monster needles. She looks at the needles then looks at me and with her finger going in a circle tells me to get up and turn over because “these need to go in those cheeks” pointing in the direction of my ass. For a second I was kind of scared because I thought that those would be going in my already very tender nuts. I said OK and as I gently tried to stand and turn to face her, I asked if I was getting two or all five? She replied, two. A little concerned, I asked her if she knew what two? She stopped. She looked at the tray and then looked back at me then looked back at the tray and said, “I think so.”
Got my shots and with the antibiotics , my nuts were back to their normal size in a couple of days. Honestly have to say that I was rather proud of them. Went back to the doctor with his Mag Light and he patted me on the back and said that my “nuts look great” and recommended that I “hold off on any really rough sex” for at least a week. Was going to ask him for his definition of “rough sex” but decided against it.
I get home and my wife asked how it went and I told her that in seven days the doctor recommended a blow job every two hours. Being the good wife that she is, she told me not to press my luck.
But I had one that didn’t go as advertised. This is an honest to God story of what happened to me.
It was 1994 and I was living in Michigan working for a company that had such a bad healthcare plan that the choice for doctors was somewhere between going to a vet or a dentist. I did end up finding a doctor with an MD behind his name. His name was Dr. Zack. He wore the typical white doctor’s jacket but his had various Disney and Loony Toons characters on it with a University of Michigan patch over his heart. Didn’t think much of the patches … figured a grand kid probably gave them to him. We met prior to the “snip” where he told me from soup to nuts (pun intended) what was going to happen. Key takeaway … he advised me to shave my own nuts. Of course I told my wife that the good doctor had recommended that she should shave them and being the good wife that she is, she did.
Surgery went fine … or so I thought. Went home to relax with a bag or three of frozen peas.
Two days later, my nuts looked like a pair of grapefruits. They were so big that I could not put on a pair of pants. Wife suggested a skirt. I suggested a kilt. I ended up with a really baggy set of sweat pants. Had to call in sick and when my boss asked what’s up, I told him and he begged me to come to work in either a skirt or a kilt. No can do. They were starting to drain and I figured that was not a “good sign” and told him I was off to the ER.
Get to the ER. They managed to (gently) get me half on the edge of a bed when my doctor comes in. Son of a ***** if he didn’t look and talk like Christopher Lloyd’s character “Reverend Jim” from the sitcom “Taxi”. He walks in with his hair a mess and with a dozen big tongue depressors in his coat pocket. In one hand he had a 4 cell Mag Light and in the other hand a small stool just like that a shoe salesmen sit on with the place to put one’s foot.
He sits down on his little seat and first thing he says is “let’s pull that gown back” and when he sees my huge balls he lets out an “Ohhhh” with some guttural sounds while shaking his head from side to side. “Those don’t look very good.” He’s still shaking his head and moaning looking at my nuts while gently prodding them with a tongue depressor all the while still holding the Mag Light that he never turned on. The doctor turns, leans back a little and opens the door to yell, “Hey Susie! Come in here and take a look at this!”
Susie walks in wearing a white nurse’s outfit … but she is in a miniskirt with platform heels … and she had incredible tits. She walks in and the doctor says, “What do you think of these?!?” Susie turns her head to side much like what a dog would do with an unfamiliar command and says, “Those don’t look very good” and walks out.
He asks who did this and I explain “Dr. Zack” and the ER doctor frowns and says, “The guy with all the cartoon patches?” I said yes. He goes on to explain that he would never let Zack work on him. He then asks me if I remember the U of M patch. I said sure and he goes on to tell me that Dr. Zach had never even driven by U of M much less studied there. Great.
So I ask the good doctor if he could fix my nuts? He replies by asking me if I worked for Ford. I look at him and asked “what does working for Ford have to do with fixing my balls?” and he replies that he was looking for a new car and if I did he would want to see if I could get him a discount. I told him “no” and asked again about fixing my nuts. He said “sure”. I would get two shots today, would get some pills to take home and would come back in five days. “Should be better if not fixed by then”. Still holding the Mag Light that he never turned on, he grabs his foot stool and leaves.
Another nurse comes in carrying a tray just like a cocktail waitress would carry drinks but instead of drinks, she has five HUGE needles. Doesn’t help but she is far hotter than “Susie”. Flat dead gorgeous in a mini skirt, high heels and fishnet stockings. I look at her. She looks at me. I look at the five monster needles. She looks at the needles then looks at me and with her finger going in a circle tells me to get up and turn over because “these need to go in those cheeks” pointing in the direction of my ass. For a second I was kind of scared because I thought that those would be going in my already very tender nuts. I said OK and as I gently tried to stand and turn to face her, I asked if I was getting two or all five? She replied, two. A little concerned, I asked her if she knew what two? She stopped. She looked at the tray and then looked back at me then looked back at the tray and said, “I think so.”
Got my shots and with the antibiotics , my nuts were back to their normal size in a couple of days. Honestly have to say that I was rather proud of them. Went back to the doctor with his Mag Light and he patted me on the back and said that my “nuts look great” and recommended that I “hold off on any really rough sex” for at least a week. Was going to ask him for his definition of “rough sex” but decided against it.
I get home and my wife asked how it went and I told her that in seven days the doctor recommended a blow job every two hours. Being the good wife that she is, she told me not to press my luck.
