Humor in Uniform

[TerryMiller]

In my defense, I honestly did not know a damned thing about brewing coffee when I entered the Army. My parents only drank a couple of cups a year(!) and theirs was always "freeze-dried." When I was 5 years old, I tasted coffee (ONCE!!) at my grandmother's house, and in the following 67 years I have never ever ever touched another drop. I take my caffeine cold - iced tea or diet Dr Pepper only, thank you very much.

As a trainee in 1968, I too was tapped to prepare the office coffee pot. Tried my damnedest to talk my way out of it, but the Sergeant with a bunch of stripes on his sleeve was adamant. At least you received instructions, Terry. I was just told, "Do it, dammit." I didn't know to clean the pot first... hell, it had coffee in it, so wasn't that the point? I did not know to start with cold water... it was supposed to be hot, so I started with hot water (I was a naive 17-year old kid, and that sounded logical at the time). I had no concept of measuring, much less 'how much,' so I just packed the top bin full. I turned it on full blast and left.

I pushed Fort Polk away for hours.

Yep. Now fast forward all the way from the '60's to the late '90's. I had been working a job where I was on a phone all day and developed Upper Respiratory Infection and Bronchitis both at the same time. After I went back to work after the antibiotic regimen, I lost my voice in about an hour and a half. Short story is that after 6 months of seeing doctors and finally a speech therapist, I got my voice back, but the therapist said that I might very well have the same problem again within a year.

So, I left that job and ended up a few months later at the OSBI with very little need for a phone. However, the wife also worked there in the IT division and insisted on being at work at 7:00 am. (Prior to that for a number of years, my work day started at 9:00 am or later.) Thus, beginning in the Spring of 1999, I started taking up coffee. I've been there ever since, in spite of never drinking coffee before.

 

[STS11]

HOW TO SIMULATE THE LIFE OF A SAILOR
(In case you have forgotten!)

• Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

• Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

• Repaint your entire house every month.

• Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

• Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
pass through them.

• Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

• On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.
On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

• Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

• Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

• Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

• Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

• Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your backyard
at 6 am while she reads it to you.

• Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 p.m..

• Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

• Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

• Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a
different one.

• Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

• Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour.
When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.
Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

• Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

• Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid-rats)

• Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to
button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

• Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

• Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string.
Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup
again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

• Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals.
This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

• When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
• Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

• Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

• Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

• Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to
Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need
to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

It took me 30 minutes to get through this. My stomach still hurts.

 

[ConstitutionCowboy]

HOW TO SIMULATE THE LIFE OF A SAILOR
(In case you have forgotten!)

• Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

• Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

• Repaint your entire house every month.

• Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

• Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
pass through them.

• Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

• On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.
On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

• Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

• Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

• Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

• Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

• Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your backyard
at 6 am while she reads it to you.

• Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 p.m..

• Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

• Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

• Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a
different one.

• Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

• Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour.
When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.
Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

• Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

• Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid-rats)

• Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to
button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

• Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

• Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string.
Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup
again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

• Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals.
This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

• When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
• Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

• Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

• Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

• Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to
Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need
to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

Fond memories.

What?

OK. Just memories ...

Woody

 

[aarondhgraham]

On the morning of my last day in the USAF,,,
I made the 24-cup urn of coffee for my office.

It was one of those big aluminum urns,,,
The kind that developed the "coating" of coffee oils over time,,,
I used Brillo pads and scrubbed the inside of that urn until it shone like a mirror.

Then I sat there with my travel mug of restaurant coffee,,,
Watching the faces of my colleagues turn inside out from that new aluminum taste.

You can probably surmise that I didn't like my colleagues very much.

Aarond

.

 

[SoonerP226]

On the morning of my last day in the USAF,,,
I made the 24-cup urn of coffee for my office.

It was one of those big aluminum urns,,,
The kind that developed the "coating" of coffee oils over time,,,
I used Brillo pads and scrubbed the inside of that urn until it shone like a mirror.

Then I sat there with my travel mug of restaurant coffee,,,
Watching the faces of my colleagues turn inside out from that new aluminum taste.

You can probably surmise that I didn't like my colleagues very much.

Aarond

.

I don’t remember if it was one of his or from another cowboy poet, but Red Steagall once read a poem about a newly-married cowboy. He’s going on and on about all the things he’s changed because that’s the way she wanted it, and how they were probably good ideas, and how he wants to make her happy, but the end of the poem is “but if you touch my coffee pot, woman, you and I are through.”

 

[aarondhgraham]

Yeah, I must admit,,,
It was done out of pure meanness.

But those bastards I worked with for years truly deserved it.

When they found out I had actually decided to get out of the USAF,,,
They tried to make my last six months a hell of bad TDY trips.

Yeah, it was mean of me,,,
But totally deserved and incredibly satisfying.

Aarond

.