Humor in Uniform

[StLPro2A]

Remember Reader's Digest and their little one page vignettes?

How about something military related you did, saw, or heard about that was funny. Maybe it wasn't at the time but is now?

While at Fort Sill I was riding with my MP's as SDO, Staff Duty Officer. We saw a helicopter rise from the airstrip, fly over to the officer's housing area and land in a back yard.
The next thing I saw was a woman running out to the chopper with a paper sack. She kissed the pilot and ran back to the house. The chopper then lifted up and sped away.

While finishing my service in the National Guard attending summer camp. One member named Dobzinski, obviously Polish, was a treasured member of the unit. He was our Forrest Gump's Bubba. By Dobs' own admission, not the brightest bulb in the chandelier or even the burned out bulbs in the **** can. Mental gymnastics just eluded old Dobs, but give him a **** job, and he shone like the Christmas Star in the Heavens. **** jobs galore. Old Dobs would volunteer, take the job for his buddies, perform the worst assignments with precision, polish, pride and his trademark Disney Goofy smile.....and, ask if there was anything else he could do. Dobs was the guy everyone would jump on a grenade for.........but, he'd beat you to it. As usual, plenty of time and nothing to do, we're sitting around doing "hold my beer and listen to this joke" night. Well, we finally get around to the ethnic jokes. Clicking off every ethnicity in alphabetical order. Reaching "P", Pollock jokes abounded. Everyone rolling on the ground, holding their sides, spilling their beers, gasping for breath. Through the tears in my eyes, I notice ole Dobs has finished his latest **** assignment and joined us, But, he is stone somber, just sitting there, not laughing, not smiling, nothing, nada, zilch, zip.....blankness personified. Horror grips me, thinking we might be really offending the one guy in the unit no one would knowingly offend. I turn to Dobs and ask, "Hey, Dobs, I hope we aren't offending you. You know we love you. It's all in good fun." Dobs looks at me, and with his typical huge goofy smile and totally dumb hick accent, responded, "Naw. I'm good. But, ya know, I just don't understand 'em." GAME OVER!!! Supreme Pollock of Pollock jokes by the Grand Master Pollock Himself, Ole Dobs. Really regret losing contact with Dobs when I started moving around the country for my career. Learned a lot about life from Ole Dobs. Wise beyond his intellect.

 

[StLPro2A]

HOW TO SIMULATE THE LIFE OF A SAILOR
(In case you have forgotten!)

• Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

• Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

• Repaint your entire house every month.

• Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

• Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
pass through them.

• Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

• On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.
On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

• Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

• Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

• Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

• Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

• Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your backyard
at 6 am while she reads it to you.

• Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 p.m..

• Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

• Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

• Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a
different one.

• Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

• Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour.
When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.
Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

• Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

• Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid-rats)

• Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to
button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

• Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

• Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string.
Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup
again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

• Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals.
This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

• When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
• Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

• Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

• Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

• Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to
Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need
to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

"• Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off." Ya stopped short.... And, fight like Hell for the icing end!!!!!!

 

[ConstitutionCowboy]

HOW TO SIMULATE THE LIFE OF A SAILOR
(In case you have forgotten!)

• Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

• Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

• Repaint your entire house every month.

• Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

• Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
pass through them.

• Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

• On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.
On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

• Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

• Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

• Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

• Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

• Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your backyard
at 6 am while she reads it to you.

• Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 p.m..

• Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

• Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

• Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a
different one.

• Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

• Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour.
When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.
Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

• Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

• Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid-rats)

• Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to
button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

• Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

• Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string.
Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup
again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

• Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals.
This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

• When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
• Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

• Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

• Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

• Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to
Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need
to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

You forgot one: For when someone misplaces a decimal point on the raisin order, put raisins in just about everything from mashed potatoes to corn bread to green beans and meatloaf.

It took 50 years for me to get over that one.

Woody

 

[John6185]

In the Air Force, Military Public Health (MPH) is a fat cat job. One of the NCO's at Clark AB Philippines who was assigned to MPH told me this tale and swore that it was true. It seems that MPH troops go downtown periodically and check the bar girls credentials to make sure they were "clean." Well, one needed a penicillin shot and she was busy at "work" so they went in and pushed the guy over so they could get to her gluteous maximis and gave her the injection and both parties continued as if nothing happened. It was a strange place. I'd get up in the middle of the night to urinate and a guy stopped me and said, can you wait a minute? Alice is taking a shower." All male barracks. Sometimes I don't get no respect.

 

[dennishoddy]

Another one I remember from Readers Digest.
An officer in full dress was attending a social function back in the late 60's in D.C..
As he was having a conversation with someone, their wife commented on the Silver Eagles on his collar. She said I see your a cook in the Army, is your specialty chicken?
(Paraphrasing as I don't remember the exact wording)

 

[Snattlerake]

Another one I remember from Readers Digest.
An officer in full dress was attending a social function back in the late 60's in D.C..
As he was having a conversation with someone, their wife commented on the Silver Eagles on his collar. She said I see your a cook in the Army, is your specialty chicken?
(Paraphrasing as I don't remember the exact wording)

Had to be dress whites.

 

[dennishoddy]

Had to be dress whites.

At that occasion, it could be this.​

​

Blue Mess Uniform​

This uniform, worn as formal evening dress in the mess or at other formal occasions, is considered similar to civilian’s “black-tie” or “white-tie” gear. It includes an Army blue mess jacket, high-waisted trousers, white semi-formal dress shirt with a turndown collar, black bow tie and black cummerbund. Blue trousers have a high waist but no pleats, cuffs or hip pockets.

 

[Snattlerake]

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq the Army Blackhawk
helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign
"broomstick one".

And they say the Army has no sense of humor!

 

[Snattlerake]

At that occasion, it could be this.​

​

Blue Mess Uniform​

This uniform, worn as formal evening dress in the mess or at other formal occasions, is considered similar to civilian’s “black-tie” or “white-tie” gear. It includes an Army blue mess jacket, high-waisted trousers, white semi-formal dress shirt with a turndown collar, black bow tie and black cummerbund. Blue trousers have a high waist but no pleats, cuffs or hip pockets.

I was going with the chef angle.

 

[Snattlerake]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you are Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If you are Navy it is 6 bells. If Army, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday."