That's when the fight started..........

RKM

Sharpshooter
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.
 

Cohiba

Sharpshooter
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Couple of days ago I was in a 7/11 grabbing a soda and chips. I stepped outside to get into my truck and I see two black hearse, behind them is a man walking a dog, behind him must have been ...about 60 to 70 men in a single line following him.

I had to know what was going on. So, I walked up to the man walking the dog and asked him what was going on??!!

He told me the first hearse was for his wife. He and his wife got into an argument, then the dog attacked her and killed her. The second hearse was his motherinlaw.

His motherinlaw tried to stop the dog attack and the dog killed her. Thats the reason for the second hearse.

Walking with the man and his dog I asked a question.

Can I borrow your dog?

He said..sure...get in line.
 

RKM

Sharpshooter
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Couple of days ago I was in a 7/11 grabbing a soda and chips. I stepped outside to get into my truck and I see two black hearse, behind them is a man walking a dog, behind him must have been ...about 60 to 70 men in a single line following him.

I had to know what was going on. So, I walked up to the man walking the dog and asked him what was going on??!!

He told me the first hearse was for his wife. He and his wife got into an argument, then the dog attacked her and killed her. The second hearse was his motherinlaw.

His motherinlaw tried to stop the dog attack and the dog killed her. Thats the reason for the second hearse.

Walking with the man and his dog I asked a question.

Can I borrow your dog?

He said..sure...get in line.


Now that's funny!!! :laugh6:
 

Cohiba

Sharpshooter
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True story:

My wife and I rented a jeep up in Telluride, Colorado to go up old mining and logging trials to see the sights of nature and the mountains.

Well the jeep I rented was brand new and a stickshift. So...that left me driving it...wife can't drive a stick.

Okay...we go up on mountain trails and down others. Well one trail was on the side...and I mean side of the mountain.
It was a one way road. In other words..if you met another jeep..the one with the shortest backing up had to go in reverse until you got to the waterfalls and trunaround.

Well, we're going down this road on the side of this mountain..I don't like heights but the wife loves it. All I can think about is meeting a headon vehicle or if the road won't crumble and we fall a few thousand feet...all the way to the scene of the crash.

Trust me, we were up high enough it started to scare me and it was making my "go-go's tingle.

Well we reach the waterfalls and park in the very small turnaround ..basically a cliff.

Okay we hop in the jeep and I pull forward..hopefully backing up..turning around to go down the single vehicle road again.

Well, I pull forward. Put it in reverse, let out the clutch slowly and dang..it pulls forward..not reverse.

Okay..we're about 4 feet from the cliff, I can do it..just put it in reverse. My wife is enjoying the senic view and asking me to hurry so we can drive down the road.

I tell her I'm do the best I can..she says..okay.

I try to put it in reverse, I ease off the clutch and we move slowly forward. My wife is starting to yell at me..she thinks I'm playing around wi5h the stickshift. What she doesn't realize is were about 1-2 feet from falling off the cliff and I don't have the time to explain what I'm doing and how close to death we are. Well, she starts yelling at me and I start yelling at her..she grabs my right shoulder telling me to get a move on it and I'm screaming that I'm doing the best I can.

I would have loved to grabbed her by the throat and forced her to look over the 5, 000 foot cliff edge and realize how close to death we were.
No I have to keep on foot on the clutch, the other positioned on the break and gas, one hand on the wheel and one hand on the stickshift.

Well with all the screaming..she starts to cry and demands an apology. In the nicest, non-angry, non-scared, calmest voice i ask for her forgiveness. She still has no concept how close to death we are.

After she calms down and has forgiven my bad behavior..I cram the stickshift in reverse (again) floor the gas petal and go backwards.

Whew..the last time..we either were going off the cliff or reverse. My wife still had no concept how close to death we were..just that I had hurt her feelings.

Taking the jeep back after a few days of rental..I told the man...something was wrong with the stickshift putting it in reverse.
He told me that when I returned it..it was going back to the dealership for repair...he knew it had a problem with the reverse.
He though I could work out the reverse problem

Go figure!!??
 
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