Oh God. They say you can't see into the future, but I have a pretty good guess how my evening is going to be spent. That is too funny not to "cough, cough" share with my wife.
Those are the funniest things I have heard in a while. Whats even funnier than that is when I first started reading the thread I thought you were being serious. LOL!!
Probably in the first year of my marriage I told me wife we could make a deal. We would name one person on the planet that if we had the chance to sleep with, we would do it and it would not be considered cheating. It would be just a once in a lifetime chance, we could come back home happily married and the other spouse would understand because it was basically a dream come true. So I asked her who she would choose. She said Dale Earnhardt Jr. (That in itself was depressing. Any person in the world and she picks that *********.... whatever...) She asked me who I would choose. I said "your sister".
True story - and that is when the fight started. And BTW, telling her she could be there didn't help any.
True story - and that is when the fight started. And BTW, telling her she could be there didn't help any.
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Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
My Wife and I were going to go on vacation, she said she wanted to go someplace she's never been before. So I took her to the kitchen.
I came home to find my Wife packing all her things, ask her where does she think she's going. she said LV Nevada. Said she heard she can get $400 a pop for what she's been given me for free. So I started packing my things, she ask where I was going. I said LV Nevada, she ask what for? I told her I wanted to watch her live on $800 a stinking year.
I came home to find my Wife packing all her things, ask her where does she think she's going. she said LV Nevada. Said she heard she can get $400 a pop for what she's been given me for free. So I started packing my things, she ask where I was going. I said LV Nevada, she ask what for? I told her I wanted to watch her live on $800 a stinking year.
Also this is an IRL "that's when the fight started" from my text messages of yesteryear:
