Humor in Uniform

[p238shooter]

• This is almost completely unrelated to your thread but there's a Desert Storm painted Expedition across the street right now.
  It's humourous and it's "in uniform"
  View attachment 259950

  For those of you in the Tulsa area, I had an old "Singer" sewing machine repair truck body I purchesedd out of the Dallas area in the 60's. An English Ford Anglia panel truck that I had intended to build into a "Fuel Altered" drag race car. Other projects got in the way and I wound up selling it to the old man "Dong" of Dongs sporting goods in Tulsa. They had a caravan of "Zebra Striped" vehicles with more stripes than this picture that they would drive around in the Tulsa area at times. My Anglia wound up with a 4cy street engine rather than a supercharged alcohol powered Hemi drag motor.
  
  

• Years ago while eating bbq at WILD HORSE BBQ south of Sallisaw a Huey chopper landed behind the bbq owners house across the highway and the crew came in and ordered their meal. When they sat down at the table next to us my buddy broke out laughing his butt off. They were from the Arkansas Air Guard. Owner said it happened quite often after they left.

  Yep, got into a "friendly" adverse conversation with one of them Huey drivers. I had a Savanah VG. 110mph all metal 29ft wingspan two seater 912Rotax 100HP that had a stall speed of 29 mph, 50-55 ft roll with two on board, a blast to fly and land in my back yard. Flew down to Wild Horse in Sallisaw for BBQ. Circled to land in a standard left hand "pattern" for the wind direction talking on UNICOM 122.8 which was standard back then for out in "nowhere" communications close to the ground.
• 
  
• 
  
• Saw the Huie, but thought he should be using a standard approach (even out in nowhere) and pattern and listening to standard civilian frequencies. (He is in my Civilian airspace right?) Nope, straight in from the side and sat down. I did a low approach but decided to abort because I did not want to get into his rotor wash, but then was easily able to circle and land and taxi up to park closer to the crossing area where he and his crew would have to wait till I shut my engine down to walk by to get to BBQ (Yep, I can be an A-hole if pushed) to not be in my propwash from my plane, just wait a min, or two, right. Well, while I did an extensive shutdown time, standard engine cool down (BS that Savanha was water cooled and stayed constant) power radios down, transponder down, everything down including a short conversation on a ham radio HT before cutting my propwash toward them. Ha, inside, got to talking with them. Ark Airguard was not aware of any frequencies to monitor outside of the airports they did not have on their checklist. Wild Horse was not on their checklist, so 122.8 was not in their system.
• 
  
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• That very expert pilot in my opinion, responsible for a multi million dollar aircraft, yep flew into a Civilian airspace he was not "authorized" only because he was not trained to switch one of his multiple radios to 122.8 and pissed of a civilian pilot.
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• Getting late here, but another experience flying across Ft Sill MOA that was supposed to be "Cold" in the late 70s. Couple F-16s pulling up beside my Cherokee 180 back in the late 70s, their gear down, flapped out trying to match my 140 speed "interrogating" me. No problem, I just had a clearance to fly through theirr MOA a few min ago with ATC. I get on the radio while I throttle back while holding altitude slowing down, way down, a notch of flaps (you guys in F16s are not going to be around me mutchB at 80s mph, Right? Thinking they do not have any live ammo) How about F off till you find out why I am here first, rather than pounce on me? How about I throttle back to 80 with two notches and might be slowing? (6,500ft) Yep while they are having to do circle arounds cause they can not go that slow, I am on the radio with ATC that had told me the area was "cold" Ha Ha everyone got an excersize. Me flying, f16 pilots and especilally FTC but especially up to normal cruisea 140 as ATC directed. After I got back to normal curise, Left F16 came up beside me geared amd flapped out, saluted and waved good by. Pealed off and was gone
  
  
  
  

 

[Snattlerake]

• 
  For those of you in the Tulsa area, I had an old "Singer" sewing machine repair truck body I purchesedd out of the Dallas area in the 60's. An English Ford Anglia panel truck that I had intended to build into a "Fuel Altered" drag race car. Other projects got in the way and I wound up selling it to the old man "Dong" of Dongs sporting goods in Tulsa. They had a caravan of "Zebra Striped" vehicles with more stripes than this picture that they would drive around in the Tulsa area at times. My Anglia wound up with a 4cy street engine rather than a supercharged alcohol powered Hemi drag motor.
  
  
• 
  Yep, got into a "friendly" adverse conversation with one of them Huey drivers. I had a Savanah VG. 110mph all metal 29ft wingspan two seater 912Rotax 100HP that had a stall speed of 29 mph, 50-55 ft roll with two on board, a blast to fly and land in my back yard. Flew down to Wild Horse in Sallisaw for BBQ. Circled to land in a standard left hand "pattern" for the wind direction talking on UNICOM 122.8 which was standard back then for out in "nowhere" communications close to the ground.
• 
  
• 
  
• Saw the Huie, but thought he should be using a standard approach (even out in nowhere) and pattern and listening to standard civilian frequencies. (He is in my Civilian airspace right?) Nope, straight in from the side and sat down. I did a low approach but decided to abort because I did not want to get into his rotor wash, but then was easily able to circle and land and taxi up to park closer to the crossing area where he and his crew would have to wait till I shut my engine down to walk by to get to BBQ (Yep, I can be an A-hole if pushed) to not be in my propwash from my plane, just wait a min, or two, right. Well, while I did an extensive shutdown time, standard engine cool down (BS that Savanha was water cooled and stayed constant) power radios down, transponder down, everything down including a short conversation on a ham radio HT before cutting my propwash toward them. Ha, inside, got to talking with them. Ark Airguard was not aware of any frequencies to monitor outside of the airports they did not have on their checklist. Wild Horse was not on their checklist, so 122.8 was not in their system.
• 
  
• 
  
• That very expert pilot in my opinion, responsible for a multi million dollar aircraft, yep flew into a Civilian airspace he was not "authorized" only because he was not trained to switch one of his multiple radios to 122.8 and pissed of a civilian pilot.
• 
  
• 
  
• Getting late here, but another experience flying across Ft Sill MOA that was supposed to be "Cold" in the late 70s. Couple F-16s pulling up beside my Cherokee 180 back in the late 70s, their gear down, flapped out trying to match my 140 speed "interrogating" me. No problem, I just had a clearance to fly through theirr MOA a few min ago with ATC. I get on the radio while I throttle back while holding altitude slowing down, way down, a notch of flaps (you guys in F16s are not going to be around me mutchB at 80s mph, Right? Thinking they do not have any live ammo) How about F off till you find out why I am here first, rather than pounce on me? How about I throttle back to 80 with two notches and might be slowing? (6,500ft) Yep while they are having to do circle arounds cause they can not go that slow, I am on the radio with ATC that had told me the area was "cold" Ha Ha everyone got an excersize. Me flying, f16 pilots and especilally FTC but especially up to normal cruisea 140 as ATC directed. After I got back to normal curise, Left F16 came up beside me geared amd flapped out, saluted and waved good by. Pealed off and was gone
  
  

The F-16 pilots were holding a high yo yo above you but he knew he had been had. I'll bet he even had his tail hook down.

 

[38Super]

While stationed at FT Lee AFS, VA in the early 80's. Us Air Force enlisted guys and gals used to get a get out of getting saluted by all the Army recruits when out on base. When wearing "blues", we wore our rank on the collar points of our lightweight blue jackets. As an AIC or SRA, this silver/blue insignia would be mistaken for 1st LT bars.

Another funny story on the same base. We used the Army medical / dental facilities. I had to have my wisdom teeth removed and went in for the procedure. Army Colonel was the dentist. I'm sitting in the chair waiting for the IV valium to kick in so they can proceed. after a few moments, the ceiling "shifts". He comes walking in and asks if I have felt the meds had kicked in yet, I proceed to tell him yes. In the same sentence, I try to explain to him that his handle bar mustache is not withing appropriate military regulation. He just points at the birds on his collar and states that no one really says anything about it. The next day when I went in for check-up, he told me about that and we had a good laugh.

 

[Seadog]

HOW TO SIMULATE THE LIFE OF A SAILOR
(In case you have forgotten!)

• Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

• Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

• Repaint your entire house every month.

• Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

• Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
pass through them.

• Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

• On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.
On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

• Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

• Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

• Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

• Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

• Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your backyard
at 6 am while she reads it to you.

• Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 p.m..

• Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

• Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

• Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a
different one.

• Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

• Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour.
When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.
Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

• Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

• Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid-rats)

• Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to
button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

• Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

• Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string.
Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup
again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

• Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals.
This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

• When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
• Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

• Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

• Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

• Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to
Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need
to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

That brought back a lot of memories. Made me chuckle quite a bit. Thanks for that. I’ve heard it somewhere else long before but it was definitely worth rereading

 

[BillM]

My grandma had a collection of Reader’s Digests, and I read them all while staying there. I remember one Humor In Uniform story from an Army MP in Vietnam. He said the Marines had been robbing them blind when visiting the supply depot on the base, so they started scrutinizing everything on the truck when Marines were leaving the base.

One time, they checked every last thing on the truck against the Marines’ requisition forms, and it all matched, right down to the serial numbers. A few minutes after the Marines left, they got the call about what they’d stolen, and it turned out to be the one thing they hadn’t checked—the truck itself.

Reader's Digest's Humor in Uniform was instrumental in my enlisting in the USAF instead of the Army or Marine Corps. One of the jokes about the USAF was that we sent the officers out to fight, while the enlisted folks stayed home. Also, that if you needed to retreat, you could do it at 600mph. Knowing what I know now, it was all bilge water, but it sounded good! Had family members betting $100 cash (in 1973 dollars) that I wouldn't make it through basic training. And at least one that I wouldn't make it through the first week of basic. I retired as a Master Sergeant after 24 years.

Bill

 

[BillM]

We were in the back of a deuce and a half, watching an e-4 walking down the sidewalk with a laundry bag over his right shoulder. He was meeting a captain walking the other direction. When they met, the e4 saluted smartly and said, "Good morning, sir." The captain returned the salute, walked a few more steps, stopped, turned around and gave the e4 a really funny look. Did he really salute with his left hand???? All of us in the truck were about to bust a gut laughing. I guess it ended up, no harm, no foul.

I don't generally think well of USAF pilots, but I was at Cannon AFB while BG Robinson Reisner was the senior officer there. I popped out of the BX one day and nearly trampled him. Had a bag of stuff in my right hand, and had opened the door with the left hand. And salute him left-handed. He returned my salute left-handed, smiled and went on in to the BX. FAST thinker!

Bill

 

[Aries]

While stationed at FT Lee AFS, VA in the early 80's. Us Air Force enlisted guys and gals used to get a get out of getting saluted by all the Army recruits when out on base. When wearing "blues", we wore our rank on the collar points of our lightweight blue jackets. As an AIC or SRA, this silver/blue insignia would be mistaken for 1st LT bars.

Another funny story on the same base. We used the Army medical / dental facilities. I had to have my wisdom teeth removed and went in for the procedure. Army Colonel was the dentist. I'm sitting in the chair waiting for the IV valium to kick in so they can proceed. after a few moments, the ceiling "shifts". He comes walking in and asks if I have felt the meds had kicked in yet, I proceed to tell him yes. In the same sentence, I try to explain to him that his handle bar mustache is not withing appropriate military regulation. He just points at the birds on his collar and states that no one really says anything about it. The next day when I went in for check-up, he told me about that and we had a good laugh.

This reminded me of one I read, it might have been in Reader's Digest.

But Walmart had hired an older retired guy to be a greeter. He was doing great and they loved everything about him... polite, professional, friendly, compliant to all instructions... but he was often 15-20 minutes late for work.

His supervisor finally talked to him one day and said, "We really like you and your work, but you need to be more punctual. You're often late, and you need to be here on time for your shift."

The man says, "Yes, sir, I know I should be. I'll work on it. I'm just not used to that being an issue in my old job."

The supervisor says, "What did they say to you at your old job when you were late?"

The mans says, "They would usually just say, 'Good morning, General. May I get your coffee for you?'"

 

[El Pablo]

I don't generally think well of USAF pilots, but I was at Cannon AFB while BG Robinson Reisner was the senior officer there. I popped out of the BX one day and nearly trampled him. Had a bag of stuff in my right hand, and had opened the door with the left hand. And salute him left-handed. He returned my salute left-handed, smiled and went on in to the BX. FAST thinker!

Bill

I like the non fighter pilots. only fighter pilots I dealt with reminded me of over the top stereotypical frat boys that were roid raging.

 

[OKNewshawk]

HOW TO SIMULATE THE LIFE OF A SAILOR
(In case you have forgotten!)

• Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

• Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

• Repaint your entire house every month.

• Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

• Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
pass through them.

• Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

• On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.
On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

• Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

• Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

• Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

• Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

• Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your backyard
at 6 am while she reads it to you.

• Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 p.m..

• Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

• Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

• Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a
different one.

• Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

• Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour.
When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.
Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

• Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

• Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid-rats)

• Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to
button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

• Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

• Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string.
Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup
again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

• Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals.
This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

• When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
• Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

• Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

• Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

• Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to
Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need
to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

I don't know whether to laugh or seek professional help for a reoccurence of PTSD.

 

[OKNewshawk]

Ask a sailor to secure a building-turn out lights, lock doors and go home

Damn straight!