I don't post here to often but I thought you guys might enjoy this.
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
> you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
> paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
> Note: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
> third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you
> know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
> Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the
> San Antonio City Park . Judge # 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
> Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions
> to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> accepted and became Judge 3."
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
> out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
> the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
> beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
> the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
> look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
> It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
> and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will
> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment! **I should take note that I am worried
> about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole
> in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
> out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
> he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
> hot chili?
> Judge # 3 - No Report
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
> you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
> paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
> Note: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
> third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you
> know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
> Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the
> San Antonio City Park . Judge # 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
> Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions
> to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> accepted and became Judge 3."
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
> out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
> the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
> beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
> the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
> look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
> It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
> and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will
> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment! **I should take note that I am worried
> about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole
> in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
> out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
> he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
> hot chili?
> Judge # 3 - No Report
