dealing with hatred

[RidgeHunter]

she has been fighting cancer for 20 years.......takes chemo pills and now has congestive heart failure. she is no doubt very ill.my wife works full time and tries to take care of her mother every minute she is off. plus she takes off work for her Dr. appts. and any time her Mom calls. i'm sure her employer gets tired of it but she doesn't care her mom is #1. the others want the very best care for their mom as long as it costs them nothing. Father inlaw passed away sept 2014 and left her a six figure life insurance policy. not sure why we pay for every thing

There needs to be some discussion goin' on here. Sounds like with a little planning and a little compromise she could be taken care of without it causing undue strain on you and your wife's emotional and physical health, not to mention your marriage.

Your anger is not unfounded, it's just not productive. You should be able to have a calm talk with your wife about why this isn't sustainable for you, your job, and your marriage. If you can't, that seems like a big problem. Her mom's sickness does not mean that you don't need sleep before driving an hour and a half to work a labor job in August in Oklahoma. If you're such a dick then why are they at your house?

Your home should be a place for you and your wife to be happy and get rest, not have your marriage stressed by outside forces. And you should come before mom. An apartment 1/4mile away, in a senior complex at that, and money in the bank...this is absurd. Many people on OSA have driveways longer than 1/4 mile. All of this could and should be occurring there.

The southern/Okie "family is everything" mantra can lead to some weird situations when people abuse it to justify ****** behavior.

 

[saddlebum]

I have discuss it calmly ,I have screamed and hollered ,I have done everything I know to do. wife says if I didn't have a long standing hatred for her family this would be no big deal,says i'm making a big deal because I don't like them

 

[saddlebum]

The southern/Okie "family is everything" mantra can lead to some weird situations when people abuse it to justify ****** behavior.

I refer to her family as the tishimingo mafia

 

[mugsy]

Saddlebum,

Recognizing your own motivations is half the battle. I'd say if you can't find a good reason to forgive them of your own (for inner peace, Love of God, whatever) then do it for your wife's sake.
Having been on the receiving end of what I felt was unjustified bad blood for many years I will personally attest that no one suffered more than my (now late) wife who was caught between the husband she loved and the parents she loved. It took me many years to move past that and it was all time wasted that I wish I could recover now, but that opportunity is gone forever. Please talk to a priest or minister, counselor or trusted close friend and find a way to at least learn to tolerate their visits - you don't owe them any more favors and don't have to pretend you are suddenly best pals but nothing good comes from holding grudges like this and you might possibly even cause great hurt to the wife that you do love.

Good luck and God Bless.

 

[mightymouse]

You want a divorce and she doesn't, from what I've read here. Rarely do both parties want a divorce. For a marriage to be over, though, only one person needs to feel that way. Take my advice for what it is worth--which is not a damned thing on the open market. If you want a divorce, I would not drag it out. I could have ended my marriage three years earlier than it eventually did, had I not been determined to "make it work". It was a very painful three years, and for this reason, rightly or wrongly, I always advise just getting it over with. Good luck!

 

[saddlebum]

You want a divorce and she doesn't, from what I've read here. Rarely do both parties want a divorce. For a marriage to be over, though, only one person needs to feel that way. Take my advice for what it is worth--which is not a damned thing on the open market. If you want a divorce, I would not drag it out. I could have ended my marriage three years earlier than it eventually did, had I not been determined to "make it work". It was a very painful three years, and for this reason, rightly or wrongly, I always advise just getting it over with. Good luck!

I believe I want a divorce from the situation , I love my wife and believe things will be good again if I can stay sane that long. while I have aired some of my grievances here, what I was really looking for is ways to improve my own short comings .I know I can't fix them and I don't know how to fix me

 

[ronny]

Then, you'd be a lot better off paying for some better psychological assistance than you're ever gonna get on here.

 

[mightymouse]

what I was really looking for is ways to improve my own short comings .I know I can't fix them and I don't know how to fix me

For simplicity's sake, I'll divide people into two types: (1) Extroverts, who love being around people, who charge their batteries by being around other people, who are not really happy unless they are with other people; and, (2) Introverts, who love to be left by themselves, who charge their batteries only when they are alone, and who find that being around other people often leaves them drained. If it sounds to you as if you are an Introvert, you may be dealing with the displeasure of not being left alone. Someone who is really introverted will naturally strike out at others if he feels they are not giving him the solitude he so deeply needs. This may not fix you, but, if introversion applies to you, it can give you a lens thru which you may be able to see what really is bothering you. Again, best of luck.

 

[ousoonerfan22]

She will probably be pissed because you aired this out on here but have her read this thread and hear other peoples opinion. Maybe she might make some changes on whats going on in your home. Life is too short to be miserable I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Glocktogo]

I believe I want a divorce from the situation , I love my wife and believe things will be good again if I can stay sane that long. while I have aired some of my grievances here, what I was really looking for is ways to improve my own short comings .I know I can't fix them and I don't know how to fix me

Your shortcomings are exactly as Ridge stated, channeling your anger unproductively! Channel it productively. Your wife loves you, so long as she can treat you like a doormat. She obviously doesn't love you enough to set boundaries for her siblings. If you can't get your wife to correct her rectal-cranial inversion, pack some things and move into the unoccupied apartment a 1/4 mile down the road! If you wife truly loves you, she will come visit you WITHOUT her posse! Regardless, you will have some peace, which every man deserves when they come home.