Funny things said around your house

[tran]

No more guns! Lmao...

 

[poopgiggle]

My wife looked up from reading something on her iPhone and said with a straight face, "Honey, never raw dog a random."

That makes sense. No reason she should get the siff 'cause of your fickle pickle.

 

[beast1989]

My lady came back from busting her butt at the gym and smelled just a bit sweaty, as she sat down to drink her drink I said (albeit stupidly):

Me: "Well babe once you finish up with that feel free to take the fish out your pants and put them back in the freezer"

Her: [she paused and had the "oh no he didnt" face] "Well the fishery just closed, maybe you will have better luck next season..."


p.s. she didnt really smell fishy lol and I wish i never said what i did b/c the "fishery" did close temporarily while Poseidon cooled down.

 

[RickN]

I married a saint this time. She puts up with all my bad jokes.

At the grocery buying some milk: Sacker, "Like a bag for that?"
Me pointing at wife, "No I brought my own."

At the grocery again and the wife just threatened me for some smart a$$ comment I made. I say more then loud enough for everyone on the isle to hear, "please don't beat me anymore, I will be good!!!"

She works days while I work nights, and if she has had a really rough day I tuck her into bed. One night after watching Big Bang Theory I reach under the covers and start stroking her while singing, "Soft Kitty, warm kitty" She was laughing to hard to hit me.

 

[BadgeBunny]

I married a saint this time. She puts up with all my bad jokes.

At the grocery buying some milk: Sacker, "Like a bag for that?"
Me pointing at wife, "No I brought my own."

At the grocery again and the wife just threatened me for some smart a$$ comment I made. I say more then loud enough for everyone on the isle to hear, "please don't beat me anymore, I will be good!!!"

She works days while I work nights, and if she has had a really rough day I tuck her into bed. One night after watching Big Bang Theory I reach under the covers and start stroking her while singing, "Soft Kitty, warm kitty" She was laughing to hard to hit me.

Last time we were there I could have sworn I heard her muttering something to herself about putting a better lock on the outside of that closet door.

 

[onearmedman]

"Are you going to put down that guitar and play with me?"

 

[IreneKennedy]

Years ago when we were young and still at home a relative or close friends to my folks would show up at our house unexpectively my father would say 'Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit--Look who's here.'

 

[cayton]

Years ago when we were young and still at home a relative or close friends to my folks would show up at our house unexpectively my father would say 'Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit--Look who's here.'

Ha! My grandmother bought us a door mat that said that as a housewarming present.

...it is not in use.

 

[ripnbst]

"Yeah that'll happen"

"Touch me one more time and see what happens"

"Hey Lippy, zip it or I'll break your hip"

"Want me to punchisize your face for free?"

Pretty much tons of movie lines and occasionally some originals.

Most recently was "When I quit feeling like **** I am going to clean this house." "When you are feeling better I want you to clean this house too. Glad we're on the same page."

 

[RickN]

Last time we were there I could have sworn I heard her muttering something to herself about putting a better lock on the outside of that closet door.

You could be right. Last time I was joking about buying a missile silo for a home, she wanted to know if one of the compartments could be locked from the outside.