Admittedly I'd find it pretty hot to take San asswhippen from her lol
Having retired from the OSBI and dealing with criminal cases, I have mixed emotions on this one. While I can certainly see the benefit to the lady of getting a VPO, I have to caution that sometimes that action just enrages the guy all that much more. I can't begin to remember all the cases of violated VPO's, some of which ended up with a fatality.
I would fall into the category of having the young lady move, even if only to another city in Oklahoma. That would also require that she terminate all contact with him, and maybe with her friends that might give him her address. One of my wife's sisters had a husband that was a dirtbag, and he had even commented that if he ever got a medical diagnosis of a terminal illness, he had an ex-wife or two to kill. I feel much better now that she doesn't even live in Oklahoma any more.
I would fall into the category of having the young lady move, even if only to another city in Oklahoma. That would also require that she terminate all contact with him, and maybe with her friends that might give him her address. One of my wife's sisters had a husband that was a dirtbag, and he had even commented that if he ever got a medical diagnosis of a terminal illness, he had an ex-wife or two to kill. I feel much better now that she doesn't even live in Oklahoma any more.
She has to shut off her falsebook account for the first thing. He keeps putting his BS on her relatives so she can see them.
Dumping False book is not the end of the world and may be the best thing she could ever do even without with situation as it seems she must be obsessed with it.
Bear spray as has been mentioned previously in another post is the second part of the solution. She has to be taught to use it just like a gun. You can't just drop it into your purse, pile crap on top of it and expect to retrieve it at a moment's notice when an attack happens.
When she is in a dangerous area like a parking lot, or public street, her hand should be in her purse or bag with her hand on it while walking to a car or another business/home from the car, head on a swivel.
This guy sounds dangerous.
Dumping False book is not the end of the world and may be the best thing she could ever do even without with situation as it seems she must be obsessed with it.
Bear spray as has been mentioned previously in another post is the second part of the solution. She has to be taught to use it just like a gun. You can't just drop it into your purse, pile crap on top of it and expect to retrieve it at a moment's notice when an attack happens.
When she is in a dangerous area like a parking lot, or public street, her hand should be in her purse or bag with her hand on it while walking to a car or another business/home from the car, head on a swivel.
This guy sounds dangerous.
Yep, your friend is in trouble, unfortunately it seems she is her own worst enemy. It happens sometimes, we get our emotions too wrapped up that it obscures common sense. My opinion would be to give her all the moral support you can without being too pushy, then she has to make her own decisions and live with them. Hope it all works out well for her and everyone involved.
Might as well forget about the nursing board here in Oklahoma, they more than likely won't do anything. They exist to "protect the public from nurses." (i.e. punish nurses, not protect them from the public, doctors, or other nurses). Now if she was a patient of his, and he was stalking her it might be different.
I'm aware of many of the things mentioned above... I am continuing to talk to her, and she is saying the right things, says she is going to cut him off, get things under control, I counseled her about the laws above (thanks @Dave70968 !) and we realized she DOES have enough for a VPO, if I can only get her to once and for all finally put her foot down and tell him never to contact her in any way again and then STICK to it.
In the past, she has been afraid to totally "block" him, because he has threatened to come over and she doesn't want to not know what he is saying to her - i.e., "If you're not going to answer me, I am coming over right now," or, "I am sitting in the parking lot outside," etc. I told her that is fine, because simply him continuing to initiate contact when she has made it clear and unambiguous she wishes him to never contact her in any way again, she will have a record of those messages. She is coming around, and she says she is tired of living in fear of the next episode, of when the other shoe will drop, etc. I have warned her about the firearm thing, she knows if she carries it, she has to be willing 100% to use it to protect her life. She is willing to consider it.
I told her she needs to get f***ing MAD and she will stop being so afraid. Getting training, cutting him off, filing a police report and obtaining a VPO, getting video surveillance (this is in the works, apparently), carrying pepper spray, carrying a taser, being vigilant of her surroundings, etc... and sticking to her guns.
These are all things I have discussed with her.
And I told her I didn't want to help her son pick out her headstone. She kinda got a bit freaked out by that. Which is good.
Thanks for all the advice. We all know how this could end, and we all know she has to make the decision to do these things herself. She was married for over 20 years to another verbally and mentally abusive and HIGHLY controlling man who was the sole breadwinner and controlled everything while she was June Cleaver - like, fo' realz. And for all that time, he denigrated her, told her how fat and ugly and stupid and undesirable she was, how she was such a horrible wife, no one would ever want her for anything, etc. Those things are hard to get out of your head after 20 years. So now she is single, finally, and trying to learn on her own how to get by in this world - and it's a tough learning curve. And she's already moved once to try to get away from the hometown that became such an alien place to her after her divorce - all the lost friends and social circles, etc. She is considering moving again, but that may be a little while away yet.
In the past, she has been afraid to totally "block" him, because he has threatened to come over and she doesn't want to not know what he is saying to her - i.e., "If you're not going to answer me, I am coming over right now," or, "I am sitting in the parking lot outside," etc. I told her that is fine, because simply him continuing to initiate contact when she has made it clear and unambiguous she wishes him to never contact her in any way again, she will have a record of those messages. She is coming around, and she says she is tired of living in fear of the next episode, of when the other shoe will drop, etc. I have warned her about the firearm thing, she knows if she carries it, she has to be willing 100% to use it to protect her life. She is willing to consider it.
I told her she needs to get f***ing MAD and she will stop being so afraid. Getting training, cutting him off, filing a police report and obtaining a VPO, getting video surveillance (this is in the works, apparently), carrying pepper spray, carrying a taser, being vigilant of her surroundings, etc... and sticking to her guns.
These are all things I have discussed with her.
And I told her I didn't want to help her son pick out her headstone. She kinda got a bit freaked out by that. Which is good.
Thanks for all the advice. We all know how this could end, and we all know she has to make the decision to do these things herself. She was married for over 20 years to another verbally and mentally abusive and HIGHLY controlling man who was the sole breadwinner and controlled everything while she was June Cleaver - like, fo' realz. And for all that time, he denigrated her, told her how fat and ugly and stupid and undesirable she was, how she was such a horrible wife, no one would ever want her for anything, etc. Those things are hard to get out of your head after 20 years. So now she is single, finally, and trying to learn on her own how to get by in this world - and it's a tough learning curve. And she's already moved once to try to get away from the hometown that became such an alien place to her after her divorce - all the lost friends and social circles, etc. She is considering moving again, but that may be a little while away yet.
Having been where she is, the quicker she gets pissed off at how he is messing with her, the better off she will be. The trick is to STAY pissed off. That's not hard to do (at least it wasn't for me) once I figured out none of this had anything to do with affection and have EVERYTHING to do with control.
He was a man who just needed to learn "his place" was anywhere but around me. Sounds like he needs the same lesson.
He was a man who just needed to learn "his place" was anywhere but around me. Sounds like he needs the same lesson.
I agree. You can't force her to see the light, she has to want to see it for herself.
This is true. One of our regulars would do this. This gal was on husband #9 and we were constantly responding to domestics at her house. She would never move in with the guy, they had to move in with her.
We would get the call, she would kick them out, VPO's would be issued, locks would be changed, then next week we would get a letter rescinding the VPO and it would start all over again.
The last time I was there, it finally went too far. The current husband had actually slapped her and tore her clothes in a fight. The law had changed earlier that week and the officer could now file domestic abuse. I no longer needed either of them to sign a complaint.
I knew what what was coming next and I knew that once she calmed down everything would be forgiven and it would start all over.
I typed up all the charges and went to the DA's office. I met the receptionist and told her that I wanted to see a female DA. She looked at me curiously and I showed her a picture of the lady. She smiled and said "I know exactly who to send you to".
I met the DA and presented her with my case. I told her about her past history and that she would probably try to bail him out of jail and want to drop the VPO and the charges. She said "not this time".
Later that same day I got a call from the DA. She said "you were right, she tried to bail him out and contacted me to drop the VPO and charges and I told her no".
The last I heard was that he finally bailed out, had to appear in court and got a $2k fine and two years probation in a plea bargain. I never got a call there again.
