"Got a dog for my wife once. What a great swap that was."
"Start your day with a smile and get it over with."
"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves."
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
"I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday."
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."
"Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life."
"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."
"The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath."
"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive."
(In a restaurant to a waitress): "I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here."
(In the same restaurant, under his breath): "I don't know why I come in here anyway, the flies always get the best of everything."
"I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
Hungover: "The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache".
Fields on the witness stand at his trial for shooting and wounding a fellow gambler named High Card Harrington who is covered in bandages.
"This mummy over here inveigled me into a game of chance titled Five Card Stud.
I figured right from the start I'd have to shoot him.
It was all I could do to take his money.
(Turns to face the jurors)
Now I'm a broad-minded man gents. I don't object to 5 aces in a deck.
But when a man draws 5 aces in one hand? Well....
And besides, I know what I dealt him."
"Start your day with a smile and get it over with."
"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves."
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
"I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday."
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."
"Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life."
"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."
"The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath."
"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive."
(In a restaurant to a waitress): "I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here."
(In the same restaurant, under his breath): "I don't know why I come in here anyway, the flies always get the best of everything."
"I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
Hungover: "The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache".
Fields on the witness stand at his trial for shooting and wounding a fellow gambler named High Card Harrington who is covered in bandages.
"This mummy over here inveigled me into a game of chance titled Five Card Stud.
I figured right from the start I'd have to shoot him.
It was all I could do to take his money.
(Turns to face the jurors)
Now I'm a broad-minded man gents. I don't object to 5 aces in a deck.
But when a man draws 5 aces in one hand? Well....
And besides, I know what I dealt him."
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