Comical (when you think about it) sayings we've all used.

[348]

Drives like a man with a paper assshole.

 

[Shootin 4 Fun]

Busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.
Puke a maggot off of a gut wagon.
Hotter than a two peckered billy goat.
Like stink on ****.
Colder than a well diggers ass in the Klondike.
Not enough sense to poor piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
Hotter than a goats ass in a pepper patch.
Couldn't find his ass with both hands.
Wish in one hand and crap in the other, see which one fills up first.
Nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Shaking like a dog sh!ttin a peach pit.
Has more dollars than cents.
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
A few cards short of a full deck.
Half a bubble off of plumb.
Nuttier than a squirrel turd.

I grew up around some colorful old farts.

 

[JacobDaddy]

Got a buddy who said (about a guy he really didn't like) "I wouldn't piss up his ass if his guts were on fire"
so you would otherwise?

I have heard that one as "I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire" Roughly the same meaning though.

 

[JacobDaddy]

Busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.
Puke a maggot off of a gut wagon.
Hotter than a two peckered billy goat.
Like stink on ****.
Colder than a well diggers ass in the Klondike.
Not enough sense to poor piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
Hotter than a goats ass in a pepper patch.
Couldn't find his ass with both hands.
Wish in one hand and crap in the other, see which one fills up first.
Nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Shaking like a dog sh!ttin a peach pit.
Has more dollars than cents.
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
A few cards short of a full deck.
Half a bubble off of plumb.
Nuttier than a squirrel turd.

I grew up around some colorful old farts.

I grew up around most of these also but I couldn't think of them. These made be LOL which cause my wife to ask what I was laughing about.

 

[Pokem807]

"Busier than a one-armed paper hanger"

"That boy could fall in a barrel full of tits and come up sucking his thumb."

 

[Johnny]

I am sweating like a whore in church

Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra.

 

[Defnestor]

Back in the Navy, when a piece of equipment suddenly quit working (not uncommon), somebody would announce over the comm circuit that the piece of gear had sh** the bed.

"Be advised, the air search radar just sh** the bed!"

I thought the Navy called 'em racks?

 

[mightymouse]

Happier than a dead pig in the sunshine (huh?).
Happier than a puppy with two peters (that one I get).

 

[MCVetSteve]

Something I used to say to the boots (FNGs, what have you) when they didn't know about something I was talking about, "dude you didn't even like girls yet."

 

[Wizard]

My pet peeve is, "I know - right?". That asinine reply seems to be standard with most, and I know some people that say it after every statement made to them. I'll be glad when it wears out and blows over. (Queue the reply to my post using it now..... )

My ex wife used that one along with finishing a statement with "ya know" Drove me even crazier.